i need $

when feeling that wash of relief upon finding out the per-class pay at massasoit, i failed to remember that said pay amount is only really for half the year (3 classes, 2 semesters = 6 months of pay). ouch... i'm feeling poor again...

so far, so NOT good...

so, my first day of "not working full time" didn't go exactly as planned... i spent most of the morning lost in the hills of milton. i had no idea milton was that big... and i'm very mad at google maps for Screwing Me Royally in their directions. as i was leaving, i noticed a MUCH quicker way to get back to the highway (one turn instead of 500) and i still wonder why google maps didn't just bring me in that way. i can only assume it's because i would've had to stay on I-95 a little longer (2 exits further down) but TRUST ME, i really don't mind, if it means avoiding driving in the country for 30-45 minutes, where street signs have been replaced by forestry. while it was good to see more of milton and confirm my desire to live there one day, i ended up being like 15 minutes late for my first "consulting" appointment. OOPS.

after leaving there, i drove straight to my next destination in quincy. i had plenty of time, so i decided to wonder towards braintree, where i thought there might be shops or a store or kiosk or SOMETHING where i could buy clothes since i was so late leaving for my prior appointment (which was casual) that i didn't think to wear something appropriate for my 2nd appointment (which was an interview). ANYWAY, i also thought they might have a GAS STATION in braintree...but i ran out of gas before finding one. luckily (?), it turns out i was only about 5 blocks from a station where they sold me a $4 gas can and $6 worth of gas that i then sloshed all over myself on the way back. so, with my car barely full enough to now make it to the appointment i was early for, i hurried to my interview (inappropriately dressed, unshowered and now sweating profusely and smelling like gas). i did actually stop at dunkin donuts on the way to "clean up," but they were out of soap. Nice.

amazingly, both appointments turned out fine. and i made it home in one piece, after getting more gas, of course. at which point, i showered.

brainstorming

i still can't come up with a business name, but i agree with my marketing-guru friend that it makes sense to focus on one line of business, and that writing/editing should be that line, given my credentials. i keep thinking:

write. edit. share.

but i need a name to go with it...

sweaty pits and i can't even drink about it

you know it's gonna be a bad day when you get to work, walk up the 5 flights of stairs that still aren't getting any easier, and realize you forgot to put on deodorant this morning. unfortunately, the only kind i have at my desk is the "natural" deodorant, which i should have just thrown away when i realized it didn't work...

if that isn't bad enough, i recently discovered that my work has a "no tolerance" policy for alcohol on the premises. great! what am i going to do with the flask and mini martini shaker i've been keeping at my desk???

lackluster

why am i not motivated to do my work today????????????? I SUCK.

mental health day

my boss in dallas once told me "the day i wake up and don't look forward to going into work is the day i should start looking for another job." not only is that too idealistic for even me--it completely backfired on him, because that day came much sooner for me while working for him than i think he (or i) expected. the reality is, even when you have a job you love, or just a job you know is the *right* job, you sometimes need a break.

thus, the Mental Health Day.

i'm not sure exactly what the mental health day is supposed to give you, other than time to blog about mental health days, but whatever one gains from it seems to work. you take a day off, even though you're "not sick," and, in turn, you get a sense of balance back, maybe even a sense of freedom, and sometimes--if you're really lucky, a sense of power. hey--it's my fucking life. i can take a goddamned day off whenever i goddamned want to. (didn't you know people in power always use too many curse words?)

the reasons for taking a mental health day are as varied as those who take them. i, for one, try not to go to work when the only reason i'd be going to work is to tell them i'm never coming back to work! the point is--you know your own stressors/breaking point and you have the right to take control of your life, when the time is appropriate. sure, we have all agreed to be good little girls and boys and give back to society in this meaningful way. but we can't do that [not really...not in the true spirit of participation] if we're not aware of what we're doing. and we can't be aware if we're too stressed out to think. to quote myself: some days, even a large iced coffee just isn't enough.

check the attitude

i'm stuck in horsham, PA with 3 of my colleagues; and, in order to survive (without going insane), i need to adjust my expectations of the week. i thought i had already done that before coming along, because--honestly/swear to god--i didn't want the week to go badly, for all selfish reasons, of course, like the fact that i'm a part of the week. i certainly don't want to lose my cool and do something to jeapordize my job--i don't even think i have that in me anymore after working in the professional world for 5+ years. but, it wouldn't even be so bad if i could, like, GET ALONG with someone else here...if i could agree with something they say (one thing!)...if i could see their point or see from their point of view. but i caaaaaaaaaaaaan't. (waaah. i want my mommy.) i'm just not a "team player," i guess...

the truth is i wouldn't be a good project manager for this project, because i'm not invested in it. the only way to get out of this alive is to go along with whatever they say, and change stuff when i get back to Boston. i can even change it the politically correct way by sending an e-mail or leaving a voicemail and saying i've re-thought some things since the trip. but, for now: just keep my mouth shut. except when i need to agree. it's a risky strategy, one which would definitely get me thrown off the island or fired by the donald. fortunately for me, this isn't a reality TV show. it's just reality (and no one can kick me off!).

blah

i don't know how much of this has to do with the evil tumor living inside of me right now, and how much is "authentic," but i'm in one of those slumps where i just don't want to do it anymore. maybe this happens at everyone's job, but my only professional experience is pplm and--at least here--i go through "ups" and "downs." sometimes, i really love my job; i love our mission; i love my co-workers, etc etc. i work hard and know that i'm doing a good job, know that what i'm doing matters and helps people, yada yada yada. but....then, there's the rest of the time. it's such a stressful atmosphere around here (and by around here, i mean inside my brain). i often feel if i could actually care just a little bit less, i'd be way less stressed. i mean, how could a person like me have been born? how could i have been raised this way? didn't my mom try to stamp it out of me just a little bit??? i care about EVERYTHING. it's exhausting... i need to just let people be. what's the big deal if people use the bathroom right next to my cube for their daily BM? it's a bathroom! that's what it's for!! and what's the big deal if anyone hired in any other department is a VIP when it comes to office space while ALL of the managers in our department sit in makeshift almost-but-not-quite-big-enough spaces? we're only a support department!! surely there's not a big deal to be found in the fact that virtually everyone involved in our new practice management implementation knows next to nothing about our current practice management system (rest in peace, med man...) except for ME. you guessed it. i'm the only one that knows, and the only one that cares as much as i care.

i need to call the EAP.

the P is for Positivity

and i'm trying; really i am. but i've come to my breaking point (hey--i didn't know i had one of those!! ha ha ha ha!). i'm weary. i can't remember why it was i took this job. i'm certain it wasn't for the title or the raise--there was some thought/discussion about me being on a career track, learning, growing professionally, this leading me in the direction of my ultimate long-term goal, blah, blah, blah...

which of those "reasons" is supposed to get me out of bed in the morning?

the trying part of managing staff is that it takes managing. it's not something you can put off until you feel like doing it, or save up for a rainy day. i have to be here, in the flesh, working every day, just so they will have a manager. that's a grotesque responsibility; even parents take a day or two off (okay...maybe more like one night, or 30 minutes to nap). i remember when i was a nanny, i looked forward to the part of the day when the boys were FINALLY asleep (sign: i should not be a nanny!), but that moment doesn't come in the middle management world. your staff always needs you, even if it's just for moral support, to know that you--like them--are working too.

the problem is: i think i'm better at being responsible to myself than i am to other people. that's why i'm such a good worker bee. i was born and bred on protestant work ethicism, and doing a good "job" at work gives me great satisfaction. somehow, that doesn't translate to being a good manager for my staff. maybe i need to figure out a different way to frame it. after all, i'm big on mutual respect & loyalty in other sorts of relationships. shouldn't that also apply in the daily grind?

but then...perhaps i'm just freaking out because of the bambino inside me. if i'm lucky, the two roles won't be as similar as i imagine them to be.

...and...Exhaustion sets in

It's a little after 4 PM on my 4th day as the P.A.M. and I can barely keep my eyes open. Unfortunately, my first day in this new position was also the first day of all-week-long training for another project I began in my last position AND the beginning of weekly readings at my alma mater, Lesley College, which I really like to attend now that I'm no longer in school there AND the return of our lovely-yet-time-intensive friend, Dez Montero AND I still have to do everything I did in my old job until I hire someone to replace me. Oh--did I mention I'm now carpooling with PK, who goes to work at the buttcrack of dawn? So, yeah, I'm pretty much pooped.

(I haven't even seen J-Kid this week!!!)

Drinking 6-packs at night after doing a couple shots is probably going to have to go. Unless I can manage to do that before 9 PM and go to bed a little earlier. Alternatively, I could stop showering and wake up later in the mornings. Oh wait--I already don't shower!! Damn it!!

Accomplishments So Far:

• Staying Alive
• Surviving Training w/ Grandma and Grandpa Elkin
• Depleting Starbucks Gift Card
• Not quitting the 2nd Day
• Haven't smoked while at work (!)
• Sent my first e-mail to "Leadership Team" and didn't get canned
• Figured out how to adjust the height on my chair.
  
• Snagged a free box of computer paper from WB Mason by making a big stink about it arriving late
  

Coulda Done Better At:

• Blue Cross charge entry (e.g. the bane of my existence)
• Acting professional at work
• Scaling large buildings and saving the world
• Pharmacare sucks my ass!
• Masking my intense displeasure at the health centers' apathy towards my pharmacy billing project
• Convincing the health centers' of the importance of my pharmacy billing project
  
• Not drinking 6+ cans of diet coke a day
  
• Getting a damn signature log approved and ordered...my apologies...I am not a superhero, after all