there's such a thing as LOYALTY

that's really all i have to say.

mental health day

my boss in dallas once told me "the day i wake up and don't look forward to going into work is the day i should start looking for another job." not only is that too idealistic for even me--it completely backfired on him, because that day came much sooner for me while working for him than i think he (or i) expected. the reality is, even when you have a job you love, or just a job you know is the *right* job, you sometimes need a break.

thus, the Mental Health Day.

i'm not sure exactly what the mental health day is supposed to give you, other than time to blog about mental health days, but whatever one gains from it seems to work. you take a day off, even though you're "not sick," and, in turn, you get a sense of balance back, maybe even a sense of freedom, and sometimes--if you're really lucky, a sense of power. hey--it's my fucking life. i can take a goddamned day off whenever i goddamned want to. (didn't you know people in power always use too many curse words?)

the reasons for taking a mental health day are as varied as those who take them. i, for one, try not to go to work when the only reason i'd be going to work is to tell them i'm never coming back to work! the point is--you know your own stressors/breaking point and you have the right to take control of your life, when the time is appropriate. sure, we have all agreed to be good little girls and boys and give back to society in this meaningful way. but we can't do that [not really...not in the true spirit of participation] if we're not aware of what we're doing. and we can't be aware if we're too stressed out to think. to quote myself: some days, even a large iced coffee just isn't enough.

is nothing sacred anymore?

seriously. my job is shitty enough without having to put up with the smell of other people's shit in every bathroom i enter. we have 6 different bathrooms here. 4 are within smelling distance of people's workspace. 2 are out by a hallway/board room that aren't within smelling distance of people's workspace. 1 of those 2 is a private bathroom with no other stalls. WHICH ONE WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MAKE POOPS IN? bzzzzzzzzzzt. wrong answer! it's not bathrooms 1-5; it's bathroom #6! the one that is private and not by anyone's desk, for christ's sake!!

does this take a lot of brains to figure out? or, is it just that a lack of common courtesy is running rampant in our building? either way, it's disgusting. i would give up my paid maternity leave to be able to pee in a bathroom that smelled like apricots or ocean spray or something. ANYTHING other than your shit.

i feel like a prom queen

yesterday, i left work feeling like i had just been voted prom queen. all i had to do was be honest and direct in a meeting with my peers...apparently, this is a difficult thing, as i was the only person in the room that had the balls to do such a thing. i guess it probably takes a lot of guts to sit up in front of your high school classmates and let them put a crown on your head, then sit there like a dumbass while they celebrate your "goodness" too. of course, i didn't get any great accolades for my courage (except d.glee's "you done a good thing today"...) but i still felt as high as a kite when i left the building. i guess i don't need anyone else to pat me on the back when i'm so easily swept away by my own unparalleled confidence. good job, lee lee.

a little communication can go a long way

these days, the buzz word at our nonprofit is communication. everyone's talking about it (but no one's doing it...). but, after watching bourne ultimatum last night, i'm left wondering: what is effective communication in the workplace anyway? those who work for the CIA, at least in the movies, don't even flinch before throwing their opinion at their colleague--a form of direct communication i can't ever see being the norm at my place of employment. but it doesn't even matter, because it still didn't get them (the CIA) anywhere. maybe because the loudly voiced opinions were just the cover-up for all the communicating going on behind the curtain...?

in the real world, how are we supposed to communicate with our managers? how are we supposed to communicate as managers? it's not possible that everyone can be open and direct and keep their jobs. there are times when we're supposed to keep our mouths shut... right???

i guess my strategy is two-fold. first, i communicate profusely through email (all the while avoiding, or trying to avoid, getting into email "debates" or awkward, unproductive back-and-forths). for those situations, i try to schedule both time and space so i can give (and get?) direct feedback.

like most things, it looks good on paper. but it doesn't work in real life. i still manage to have ridiculous email conversations that go on for days and could've only lasted 5 minutes had the people involved been in the same room. i still get upset when i receive emails that surprise me or make me feel i'm being taken advantage of. and i still am [occasionally] completely unprepared for what a colleague, staff member or supervisor says to me in a face-to-face meeting.

maybe what actors playing government officials have down is portraying the art of thinking on your feet, rather than the art of communicating effectively. after all, the more you're hiding, the more you have to cover up. but i would still love to work in a business where you are allowed to say/shout whatever's on your mind without any serious repercussion. sometimes you end up looking like an ass, but--hey--so does your colleague who just yelled back. and, sometimes, you might actually say something that makes a difference--even though that doesn't happen in the movies...

Manager Assessment: Poor

So, yesterday on a long out-of-the-office drive, I was able to assess the number of hours I dedicate to each particular piece of my job. It comes as no surprise that I'm working (or should be working) more than the 35 hours a week [nonprofit] allotment. But what is surprising, as well as something I have to actually do something about, is that the coordinator in my department--who is an hourly employee--has the workload of a i'm-busting-my-ass-to-get-up-the-career-ladder corporate schlep.

Now: we know that A) she is not busting her ass, as there's nowhere for her to move up to unless I were to vacate my position (which she's made fairly clear she's not ready for/interested in); B) she is not lazy, poor at time management or unorganized; and C) she IS an hourly employee working a 35-hour a week job!! May I quote?: Our department does not pay overtime.

I see my options as very limited. I either take away work from her (which I then become responsible for doing myself) or I advocate for her to get PAID for the hours she's working and/or be given a promotion and a RAISE. The latter is difficult because I worked in her position for 2 years and managed the same level of workload without asking for just compensation. I just liked working that hard, okay???? So, the precedent has already been set that the work will be done. Now, if that doesn't prove that the one person you need to watch for in this world is yourself, I don't know what does. As for the former option, that one sucks my ass.

So, yes. I'm giving myself a capital P for poor in this managerial assessment. Mostly for not recognizing that I was being a slave-driver (!!!!!) to my most beloved staffperson; but also preemptively, for not being able to advocate effectively on behalf of my staff. Look, I can't even get my boss to give me a permanent place to sit. What makes you think I'm going to get someone else a raise???

SICKO :(

well, i saw michael moore's "sicko" last night (the first moore film i have watched, by the way). it definitely made me feel sick! sure, i don't work in the insurance industry, but i certainly work close enough to it to make me feel like a big fat loser after seeing the movie.

the biggest point i thought he made was that america steals everything from other countries, so why don't we just "steal" the idea of universal healthcare and run with it??? as someone who's generally a realist/pessimist anyway, my first response is that it's too late for america. we suck and no one is ever going to fix that. we (the "concerned" citizens) should all throw up our hands and move to canada (or britain, or france...whatever floats your boat). it's the same way i felt after the last presidential election, and the same way i'll probably feel after the next presidential election. america is truly corrupt! a true revolution would need to be started...buy WHY??? there are already other countries that we could just go live in. well, i guess, if you're not a nationalist or something.

when it comes to fight or flight, i'm definitely a flee-er. but even people that really "fight" for democracy or freedom or whatever people fight for these days have to occasionally recognize that they're fighting a losing battle. isn't that what our so-called forefathers did? they left britain because of religious persecution and founded their own country. and--believe me--they were no less persecuted than we are today. we're just more used to it (?) than they were. or we're not as idealistic???

sure, it's not as glorious to "move to canada" as it was to pioneer a new world. but, there's no more world left. we've got to accept the options we have. stay here and be persecuted by the government, insurance companies, the healthcare system, etc. etc. OR move to a better system.

the red sox do play in canada, right?

check the attitude

i'm stuck in horsham, PA with 3 of my colleagues; and, in order to survive (without going insane), i need to adjust my expectations of the week. i thought i had already done that before coming along, because--honestly/swear to god--i didn't want the week to go badly, for all selfish reasons, of course, like the fact that i'm a part of the week. i certainly don't want to lose my cool and do something to jeapordize my job--i don't even think i have that in me anymore after working in the professional world for 5+ years. but, it wouldn't even be so bad if i could, like, GET ALONG with someone else here...if i could agree with something they say (one thing!)...if i could see their point or see from their point of view. but i caaaaaaaaaaaaan't. (waaah. i want my mommy.) i'm just not a "team player," i guess...

the truth is i wouldn't be a good project manager for this project, because i'm not invested in it. the only way to get out of this alive is to go along with whatever they say, and change stuff when i get back to Boston. i can even change it the politically correct way by sending an e-mail or leaving a voicemail and saying i've re-thought some things since the trip. but, for now: just keep my mouth shut. except when i need to agree. it's a risky strategy, one which would definitely get me thrown off the island or fired by the donald. fortunately for me, this isn't a reality TV show. it's just reality (and no one can kick me off!).

blah

i don't know how much of this has to do with the evil tumor living inside of me right now, and how much is "authentic," but i'm in one of those slumps where i just don't want to do it anymore. maybe this happens at everyone's job, but my only professional experience is pplm and--at least here--i go through "ups" and "downs." sometimes, i really love my job; i love our mission; i love my co-workers, etc etc. i work hard and know that i'm doing a good job, know that what i'm doing matters and helps people, yada yada yada. but....then, there's the rest of the time. it's such a stressful atmosphere around here (and by around here, i mean inside my brain). i often feel if i could actually care just a little bit less, i'd be way less stressed. i mean, how could a person like me have been born? how could i have been raised this way? didn't my mom try to stamp it out of me just a little bit??? i care about EVERYTHING. it's exhausting... i need to just let people be. what's the big deal if people use the bathroom right next to my cube for their daily BM? it's a bathroom! that's what it's for!! and what's the big deal if anyone hired in any other department is a VIP when it comes to office space while ALL of the managers in our department sit in makeshift almost-but-not-quite-big-enough spaces? we're only a support department!! surely there's not a big deal to be found in the fact that virtually everyone involved in our new practice management implementation knows next to nothing about our current practice management system (rest in peace, med man...) except for ME. you guessed it. i'm the only one that knows, and the only one that cares as much as i care.

i need to call the EAP.

New Priorities

Thanks to Alexis, I've finally figured out how to prioritize all those "To Do's":

1. If I don't do, I won't get fired.

2. If I don't do, I might get fired.

3. If I don't do, I WILL get fired.

Now all I have to worry about is #3!!! ;)

Full House

Now that I'm fully staffed (plus one since I have a temp who's helping out for a while), I don't have a place to sit... However, I feel so much relief that all of the work I wasn't doing will now get done. And I can "manage" it, instead of "do" it. Anyway, that's how it's supposed to work. Right?

I still have a lot of training to do for the temp. If I had only focused on that the past few weeks, rather than focusing on staying awake & not throwing up everything I ate, then right now I would be feeling REALLY good. Alas...

Well, no use crying over spewed milk. I have the support staff; now I just need to get them where they need to be. And, oh yeah, I still have a thousand things that should be my top #1 priority. Maybe now I'll have time to actually do some of those things???

the P is for Positivity

and i'm trying; really i am. but i've come to my breaking point (hey--i didn't know i had one of those!! ha ha ha ha!). i'm weary. i can't remember why it was i took this job. i'm certain it wasn't for the title or the raise--there was some thought/discussion about me being on a career track, learning, growing professionally, this leading me in the direction of my ultimate long-term goal, blah, blah, blah...

which of those "reasons" is supposed to get me out of bed in the morning?

the trying part of managing staff is that it takes managing. it's not something you can put off until you feel like doing it, or save up for a rainy day. i have to be here, in the flesh, working every day, just so they will have a manager. that's a grotesque responsibility; even parents take a day or two off (okay...maybe more like one night, or 30 minutes to nap). i remember when i was a nanny, i looked forward to the part of the day when the boys were FINALLY asleep (sign: i should not be a nanny!), but that moment doesn't come in the middle management world. your staff always needs you, even if it's just for moral support, to know that you--like them--are working too.

the problem is: i think i'm better at being responsible to myself than i am to other people. that's why i'm such a good worker bee. i was born and bred on protestant work ethicism, and doing a good "job" at work gives me great satisfaction. somehow, that doesn't translate to being a good manager for my staff. maybe i need to figure out a different way to frame it. after all, i'm big on mutual respect & loyalty in other sorts of relationships. shouldn't that also apply in the daily grind?

but then...perhaps i'm just freaking out because of the bambino inside me. if i'm lucky, the two roles won't be as similar as i imagine them to be.

Figuring out my Personality Style?

ESFJ - "Seller". Most sociable of all types. Nurturer of harmony. Outstanding host or hostesses. 12.3% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Lesson Learned

Don't send an email over phoning someone if you're not 100% sure who they're going to respond to in addition to you!!!

bitches...

welcome to management! here are your staffing issues...

You don't have to be in middle management long before realizing you're royally screwed when it comes to staffing. Your employees might sympathize that you're understaffed, but they certainly aren't going to volunteer to do the extra work. Your boss doesn't care that you're understaffed b/c their boss doesn't care that they're understaffed (ad infinitum...). And your peers don't have time to care b/c they're worrying about their own staffing issues.

So, who cares?

Well, the old P.A.M. cares. I can tell ya that. As usual, her experience and knowledge both @ Planned Parenthood and just in the "real world" (not to mention all this business mumbo jumbo lingo stuff she's picking up in her MBA program) lend valuable insight and suggestions for Next Steps.

Still, I feel like bitching. Or theoricizing. There should be a combo word for that. Theoritchizing?

Why is it this way? Why don't employees feel obligated to pick up the slack when their co-worker is out? Wouldn't they want someone to do the same thing for them if they were out? Do they really think "managers" have magical powers and can do more than 8 hours of work in only 8 hours? And why is it such a big deal that something isn't in your "job description"? Is this another form of patriarchy that women have unwittingly accepted? Put it on paper or we won't do it...?

I can bitch about these things only because I know them inside out. I have been the employee who told her boss, I won't do anything that's not in my job description because I don't get paid for it. It sounds like solid reasoning, except when you think about the fact that I'M A FUCKING BITCH so why would anyone want to model their being-a-good-employee standards after me???

As for my manager, well...she sucks. I mean, er, uh, she's a great person in dire need of managerial training.

Conflict Resolution?

It seems in the non-profit management world that everyone wants your buy-in but no one wants your opinion. Also, a committee has to be created for everything, when--in reality--one person is going to make the final decision.

So far, I'm not really combative in meetings, but I'm taking away something other than what other people are taking away...so, then I end up getting in somewhat heated discussions over e-mail. I think this is because e-mail gives me a chance to actually "hear" what the person is saying because I'm reading it, so my response is more thought out. In meetings, I'm just sitting there, like... "ugh...why am I here??? no one cares what i think anyway..." So, the real problem here is that I'm taking away NOTHING from the meetings!?!? oops...

Also, as previously mentioned, having e-mail in my inbox really stresses me out, so I think about it and think about it until I'm ready to respond and then I respond in order to get it out of my inbox. (And, no, I can't just "delete" it or folder it away. I'm too anal for that.)

So, what's a mini-P.A.M. to do? Fester, fester, fester and then rot, rot, rot? Lordie, I hope not. I either have to perk up in these meetings (for lack of a better word) or...well, I have to perk up in these meetings, damn it!

I may get a taste of my own medicine soon, as this week and next are my first "monthly meetings" with my staff members. Hopefully, they don't leave the meeting thinking "Wow, that was a waste of my time" while I leave thinking, "Wow, so-and-so is a really great listener! What a wonderful meeting!"

grrr.

despite my best intentions to streamline things, the failures in my personal life continue to overshadow any successes at work. sometimes, i regret taking on the added responsibility because now i can't threaten to run away to jamaica whenever i'm feeling overwhelmed!

BUT all in all, i think i'm doing an okay job. i'm looking forward to playing a big role in our conversion to a new practice management system. and new opportunities continue to land on my plate, including collaborating with NOMAS and attending the Health Care For All Planning and Organizing conference in march. why is it so much eaiser to rely on my instincts professionally than it is personally? does that mean i want a successful career more than a successful relationship or family? (geez! i hope not!!)

just hit my breaking point...

more later. (if i survive)

Organization is Key

...but so is my sanity. I just can't be one of those people that has everything they're working on out on their desk. That many piles of paper would--literally--drive me insane. However, I'm printing so much more these days--because I also cannot stand having emails in my inbox. So...I devised a new system (kind of). The system is put everything in a folder and put the folder in a stand-up-thingie on my desk, where I can see it but not where anyone else can. That way I always know how much I have "to do" and "to follow up on" without it glaring at me. Besides, the more pink there is, the better. Even though the more pink folders I have, the more work I have, it still somehow makes me feel better. Go figure...

love/work life

My very first therapist gave me two vital pieces of advice, the first of which has little to do with my job--except that when she told me to stop feeling guilty about having "casual" sex, it must have done something for my confidence (which, in turn, must have done something for me getting & keeping a job, much less getting a promotion...).

However, the 2nd gem she gave to me was that I would never be happy until I was successful in both Love and Work. At the time, it didn't mean much to me. I was more interested in sex and getting a paycheck than finding my true calling in either dimension. But since that time, I feel like I've really focused on finding my "True Love" (even if that's not what I call it most of the time) and I've been not so focused (read: ignoring) on anything resembling a career. In fact, I've wishy-washied over the question of even having a career at all...

Well, guess what folks. Life has done it again. All this time I've put into being happy in love and now I've got a damn good job to show for it. Conversely, I still spend most nights alone. Worse, I foresee myself spending most nights alone until...well...I foresee that as far as I can foresee.

I'm not exactly sure what to make of that. If I'm adhering to the therapist's logic, I still can't be satisfied. My only hope is that if I start focusing on my brand-new career (check!) than maybe I'll meet a grand [& new] guy. (Unless, of course: I already missed him. Then, I'm fucked!)

NWR: I miss Vodka (and the old P.A.M.)

Hung out with the "old" P.A.M. last night (PERN 4-Evuh). Due to events out of our control--EK on vacation; JKid puking his guts up--we actually spent an old-school night on Harvard Ave. smoking, vodka-ing, gossiping and, yes, solving the world's problems. Okay, I guess we don't even solve anything, but it feels that way when we're together.

I don't know if I've told y'all this...but, I owe my life to this gal. She's more than just a best friend/mentor/really great ex-boss. I owe my life to her. 4 Realz. To quote myself: Anyone who gets lee lee to not only enjoy working a 9-5 job, but also seek advancement/sign-life-away-ment in said job is a straight Miracle Worker. But that's not how she saved my life. Those details I won't go into. At least not now.

I know there is a lot of $hit going on right now in her life. I [still] feel incompetent at "being there" for her the way she always is for me. Let's face it; I'm just not as smaht. I guess I'm lucky that friendship isn't just about recripocation. Still, I can try to give her some damn good nights o' listening. And keep buying the vodka.

...and...Exhaustion sets in

It's a little after 4 PM on my 4th day as the P.A.M. and I can barely keep my eyes open. Unfortunately, my first day in this new position was also the first day of all-week-long training for another project I began in my last position AND the beginning of weekly readings at my alma mater, Lesley College, which I really like to attend now that I'm no longer in school there AND the return of our lovely-yet-time-intensive friend, Dez Montero AND I still have to do everything I did in my old job until I hire someone to replace me. Oh--did I mention I'm now carpooling with PK, who goes to work at the buttcrack of dawn? So, yeah, I'm pretty much pooped.

(I haven't even seen J-Kid this week!!!)

Drinking 6-packs at night after doing a couple shots is probably going to have to go. Unless I can manage to do that before 9 PM and go to bed a little earlier. Alternatively, I could stop showering and wake up later in the mornings. Oh wait--I already don't shower!! Damn it!!

Accomplishments So Far:

• Staying Alive
• Surviving Training w/ Grandma and Grandpa Elkin
• Depleting Starbucks Gift Card
• Not quitting the 2nd Day
• Haven't smoked while at work (!)
• Sent my first e-mail to "Leadership Team" and didn't get canned
• Figured out how to adjust the height on my chair.
  
• Snagged a free box of computer paper from WB Mason by making a big stink about it arriving late
  

Coulda Done Better At:

• Blue Cross charge entry (e.g. the bane of my existence)
• Acting professional at work
• Scaling large buildings and saving the world
• Pharmacare sucks my ass!
• Masking my intense displeasure at the health centers' apathy towards my pharmacy billing project
• Convincing the health centers' of the importance of my pharmacy billing project
  
• Not drinking 6+ cans of diet coke a day
  
• Getting a damn signature log approved and ordered...my apologies...I am not a superhero, after all