Can't Sleep

I have so many new/good ideas for my next round of Freshman Comp I classes that I can't sleep. Or, I can't sleep, so I keep thinking of new/good ideas for my next round of Freshman Comp I classes. I'm not sure which it is. Right now, the two are inextricably linked in my 3 AM brain.

The scary thing is--for future nights when I can't sleep, anyway--that I'm realizing this is the part of teaching that I like: the planning. A semester of teaching English is like a 15-week party, in which I get to plan all the icebreakers and themed activities I can stand. And, trust me, I can stand a lot more literary-themed class activities than the next guy. I assume this proclivity will only increase with the more English knowledge I gain.

Let me not rush through that fact; I have learned a helluva lot of English knowledge over the last semester--truly more than I thought I would. This tells me a couple things: 1) I can retain more knowledge than I thought, as long as I'm using that knowledge practically (e.g. I'm a kinesthetic learner?) and 2) ...Well, I've forgotten the second thing now that I spent time researching the actual definition of kinesthetic. See--no short-term memory without doing something related to it!

Seriously, though, I increased my knowledge of grammar and essay writing and ways of reading and ways of studying and ways of passing a class [that don't necessarily involve bullshitting] by 100% and then some. I also can no longer read any book, magazine or newspaper; I find too many grammatical errors to enjoy what's being said. :(

Top 5 Things I've Learned During This Initiation Rite, I Mean, Semester:

• Subordinate Clauses! OMG, like, these are my fave. I love subordinate clauses because they're something we already use. So, the only true teaching involved is where to use the comma (only if the sub. conjunction comes at the beginning of the sentence). Of course, there is the risk that pointing out to students that they're using such an English-y convention will result in the direct disappearance of all things subordinate-clause-like in their work. Indeed, this will happen, which is the very reason to point it out! (see my job security reference below...)
• Coordinating Conjunctions. The reason I love these is because--unlike the rest of the postmodern world--in English Essay Land, we still get to insist on using coordinating conjunctions for their intended purpose: to COORDINATE. I probably shouldn't say it out loud, but there is a sense of smug satisfaction everytime I get to write the comment, "Don't start a sentence with a coordinating conjunction!" If this sounds like a power trip to you, that's because it is. Yes, it's true; Knowledge = Power, or, at least, it is in this instance. (insert evil laugh...)
• Transitions. Wow. Writing an essay without transitions is like attending school without going to class, a sure way to bring about disaster. Coincidentally, now that I'm a Teacher, I recommend two things: go to class and use transitions in your essay-writing. For example, how much better would my college writing have been if I had learned how to use transitions to signal to my reader what the hell was going on inside of my head. Just ask my professors; they'll tell you. Transitions would've helped me a lot!
  
• Logic. This, the most scary of words, has now become one of my most relied on, most repeated, most revered words. I always thought logic was completely scientific, mathematical, and pragmatic, and, therefore, in no way connected to my happily subjective life. Wrong. This is how I explain logic to my students: Logic turns the big, scary process of writing an essay paper, not having a clue if you did it right, turning it in anyway, and then wondering what the hell your teacher's going to say about it into a very simple, almost methodical, process: Write an Outline. Make sure your essay follows an acceptable form of logic. Write an essay. Breathe easily from here on out. Okay, so I just made that up. But I think it's good and I'm going to tell my students that next semester. See? Great ideas just keep coming.
• The Outline is God. (See Above.) It's true, totally true. I believe in outlines so much, I think I'm going to start writing them for everything. Have to go to the store? I'll outline 3 steps that, if followed logically, will get me there and tack on a intro./concl. just for the hell of it. Have to plan for my upcoming trip to Jamaica? Same thing. Have to prepare for a semester of teaching?...Oh. Wait, I think I already do this; only, most people call it [over]PLANNING.
  

By the way, the #1 grammar crime in these supposed "best-selling" novels my bookclub keeps tricking me into reading, surprisingly, is mistaking an adjective clause (usually begins with one of the 5 w's) for a sentence. I hardly ever see this in student writing, so I've concluded it's something you learn in editing school. Maybe it's a job-security thing: Anytime you see an adjective clause being used correctly, edit it into a sentence and a fragment. That way, writers will continue to be viewed as unintelligent and we'll continue to be needed!

As editing with students goes though, the more you know the harder your life really is. It's one thing for me to read a shitty book and--in place of actually reading it--edit/revise all the ways in which the author (editor?) could've actually written something worth spending my time on, but you really can't have that frame of mind when sitting down to read 40+ papers the night before they're due. You. Will. Kill. Your. Self. Or, you will want to, and may even try to through large amounts of alcohol.

Oops. I've just revealed the thing I didn't tackle this past semester: Procrastination...oh, and the Desire for Perfection. So, two things I still need to learn. I'm sure I can pick those up in no time. Then, I can be this guy.

i need $

when feeling that wash of relief upon finding out the per-class pay at massasoit, i failed to remember that said pay amount is only really for half the year (3 classes, 2 semesters = 6 months of pay). ouch... i'm feeling poor again...

stuck

is it a bad sign that whenever someone asks me what my "dream" job would be, i have no answer?? i'm thinking it is. my therapist is hoping that like "becoming a mom" and "falling in love with mark," that my "finding a job" will just Happen and that'll be that. i'm skeptical that this is the way things are in the professionally employed world, but i certainly would like to be one of the few whose career is Just Right for them. i just can't wrap my head around the idea of going to work and NOT loving it, the way i love being with henri or mark or both. which doesn't mean it will be perfect... on the contrary, it will be challenging and sometimes exhausting, but, also, rewarding, satisfying, intriguing, and--most of all--fun. it will be another reason for me to get out of bed. it will be. well. i don't know what it will be, really. because i don't know what i want to "be." help! someone out there made it possible for me to get pregnant and meet mark, despite all of my hard work to keep either of those things from happening (!)...where are you now, oh spirit of happiness? doesn't being a headhunter fall into your job description, too???

so far, so NOT good...

so, my first day of "not working full time" didn't go exactly as planned... i spent most of the morning lost in the hills of milton. i had no idea milton was that big... and i'm very mad at google maps for Screwing Me Royally in their directions. as i was leaving, i noticed a MUCH quicker way to get back to the highway (one turn instead of 500) and i still wonder why google maps didn't just bring me in that way. i can only assume it's because i would've had to stay on I-95 a little longer (2 exits further down) but TRUST ME, i really don't mind, if it means avoiding driving in the country for 30-45 minutes, where street signs have been replaced by forestry. while it was good to see more of milton and confirm my desire to live there one day, i ended up being like 15 minutes late for my first "consulting" appointment. OOPS.

after leaving there, i drove straight to my next destination in quincy. i had plenty of time, so i decided to wonder towards braintree, where i thought there might be shops or a store or kiosk or SOMETHING where i could buy clothes since i was so late leaving for my prior appointment (which was casual) that i didn't think to wear something appropriate for my 2nd appointment (which was an interview). ANYWAY, i also thought they might have a GAS STATION in braintree...but i ran out of gas before finding one. luckily (?), it turns out i was only about 5 blocks from a station where they sold me a $4 gas can and $6 worth of gas that i then sloshed all over myself on the way back. so, with my car barely full enough to now make it to the appointment i was early for, i hurried to my interview (inappropriately dressed, unshowered and now sweating profusely and smelling like gas). i did actually stop at dunkin donuts on the way to "clean up," but they were out of soap. Nice.

amazingly, both appointments turned out fine. and i made it home in one piece, after getting more gas, of course. at which point, i showered.

happy letter

i just discovered this poem by Emily Dickinson (my FAVE!). i like the phrase "happy letter"and i also like the sentiment in the poem, of how the letter itself was begging to be finished, but the writer of the letter wasn't quite ready to let go. i also-also like that it's in the section of her poems called "LOVE."

...possible name for my bidness? Happy Letters: Write. Edit. Share.

“GOING to him! Happy letter! Tell him—
Tell him the page I did n’t write;
Tell him I only said the syntax,
And left the verb and the pronoun out.
Tell him just how the fingers hurried, 5
Then how they waded, slow, slow, slow;
And then you wished you had eyes in your pages,
So you could see what moved them so.

“Tell him it was n’t a practised writer,
You guessed, from the way the sentence toiled; 10
You could hear the bodice tug, behind you,
As if it held but the might of a child;
You almost pitied it, you, it worked so.
Tell him—No, you may quibble there,
For it would split his heart to know it, 15
And then you and I were silenter.

“Tell him night finished before we finished,
And the old clock kept neighing ‘day!’
And you got sleepy and begged to be ended—
What could it hinder so, to say? 20
Tell him just how she sealed you, cautious,
But if he ask where you are hid
Until to-morrow,—happy letter!
Gesture, coquette, and shake your head!”

Emily Dickinson (1830–86). Complete Poems. 1924.

Part Three: Love

XXIII

brainstorming

i still can't come up with a business name, but i agree with my marketing-guru friend that it makes sense to focus on one line of business, and that writing/editing should be that line, given my credentials. i keep thinking:

write. edit. share.

but i need a name to go with it...

today tomorrow the next day

i bought this calendar to organize my life and now everything is going to be perfect. yay! ain't it purdy?

ideas focused, design challenged

don't the two go together??

for years, i've spent my time bemoaning those big-picture bigwigs who sit around and, well, think about the big picture. meaning, they would come up with grandiose ideas that us little people had to design, implement and manage. but, really, i loved being a little person, because my strengths really were in the implementation of it all.

weren't they???

now, as i begin to market my own talents (read: myself), i have to think WAY BIG PICTURE but also think of every very small, tiny detail in order to have all the bases covered. the ideas are flowing like river water, but i can't seem to manage the needed small details: a business card, flyers, a website, how i'm going to make money. you know...the "small" stuff.

the fact of the matter is, i'm good at carrying out other people's ideas (as long as i [mostly] believe in them) and i'm good at coming up with my own ideas but never bringing them to fruition. uh-oh. trouble in not-working-full-time paradise...

this weeek on lee lee TV: can she suck it up and learn to work for herself? or will she fail miserably and be back in a cubicle, dreaming of being her own boss? cue music. fade out.

covering for my cover letter

My first true exposure to the philosophy of teaching was in a graduate seminar at Simmons College. Within the safe boundaries of that classroom, the other students and I were able to dream up writing exercises, practice critiquing student assignments and philosophize about teaching, education and the world. There was very little admonishment, no matter how far-fetched the idea.

Since taking that course in 2004, I have had several opportunities to test my altruistic classroom theories against
real-world situations. From teaching literature to English teachers to introducing basic computer skills to adult ESL students, I have learned that it isn’t as much about my intentions as it is my willingness to adapt—both to the specific learning environment and to individual student needs. The goal becomes finding the balance between all of these needs with what needs to be taught.

Still, I believe that class to be a crucial step in my own journey towards teaching. I may have found that some things about the classroom are not permeable, but I have held on to my affinity for finding possibilities within restrictions. Barriers (of any sort) may mean more time spent examining individual lessons or revisiting particular instructions. But what’s so bad about slowing down, if it helps us learn from one another?

I wrote this is a cover letter, but my reviewer (who i agree with) thinks its a little too vague and writerly for anyone other than myself or likeminded english-y people to understand. Like I said, I agree with him. But I don't know what else to write... I don't have a list of "accomplishments" in the classroom to detail for anyone, and--in fact--don't even know For Sure if I want to be in a classroom full time. I'm only trying to do my best to apply for jobs I think I'm capable of doing.

I know the cover letter is only meant to get me the interview, but it's still the first view these people are getting of me AND my writing. I guess that's why I don't want to send a standard "You should hire me because of this..." letter. If it's written well, shouldn't they interview me and then decide I'm actually not qualified...?

typing assessment

I found this website called TypeOnline. You can practice basic typing skills or take assessment for typing words, numbers or words & numbers. My wpm is VERY HIGH, as i knew it would be--104 with only 1 mistake. However, my wpm when it's just numbers or when it's words and numbers is quite low. It sucks that they include "symbols" when it's just the numbers test, because I'd like to know how fast I actually type when it's just numbers on the number pad. I bet it's like 2000 wpm.


more change is a'comin...

how to feel...
liberated?
relieved?
scared?
regretful?

i don't know. (squeak)

update on the work cafe:

it's bad enough when i find one hair in my buffalo chicken wrap. but when i find TWO hairs? i wonder if there might be a larger problem...

ugh

i hate being on the same bathroom schedule as other female co-workers. it's awkward.

i've gone to the left

because the carpal tunnel has taken over any usefulness that once existed in my right hand, i've moved my computer mouse to the left side of the keyboard. i can't see why they call the left "liberal" because it's actually quite hard to use a mouse left-handed. however, i think i'm getting pretty good at it. it's kind of like going from a mac to a PC or a shifter to an automatic. once you get used to it, it's not so bad... (however, it's MUCH easier than going from non-profit to non-work, i mean the Corporate World).

if my boss ever reads this, she will probably spank me

but--hey--she is also the same person that once told me "we all do what we have to to survive."

anyway, my new way of getting through the day? ONLINE TV. previously, i've thought to myself: why would anyone watch TV online??? the screen is too small, the quality isn't that good, and if you want to watch TV, you should just buy a damn TV already! but last week, i discovered that watching TV online is, for cubicle-residents such as myself, almost better than discovering the fountain of youth or getting 2 weeks of paid leave for good behavior. *i said ALMOST*

unfortunately, Fox On Demand is really the only player i can get to work with my laptop. in other words, the other networks' players suck my ass. and there are very few shows on Fox that i would be caught watching. House is always a good one, but i'm all caught up on that. and i watched all 8 episodes of Amsterdam which i absolutely love (past lives + detective work = happy lee lee). so, yesterday, i decided to bite the bullet and join NETFLIX (gasp!). why i have resisted this for so long we will never know... it's $7.99 for one movie at a time, but as many as you want a month PLUS free online shows, movies, and other craptastic goodies. i am in heaven, well--at least while i'm at work.

currently, i'm catching up on Weeds, a show i never would've been able to watch since i don't now nor will i ever have Showtime. the show isn't that great. but you know what it IS better than? silence. or even worse, the thoughts in my head. or, the worse-est of them all...my cubicle neighbor's harp music. Go Weeds! Go Online TV!

no agenda needed!

i was just thinking how i used to have to print out an agenda for meetings with my boss and write down every single thing she said and keep it until i did everything she said and still keep it after that but just file it away in case i ever needed to reference anything she said or had asked me to do and how A) that didn't do me any good anyway when $hit the fan, and B) i'll NEVER have to do that again...as long as i stay at THP with MVP. like the good book says, Count Your Blessings.

life/work balance?

i wish life were as easy to manipulate as data in excel...

• don't like that person's personality? change the color!
• want to stop being someone's friend? delete that row!
• falling in love? make it BOLD!

but...it ain't. alas.

have i no morals anymore???

oops. i forgot that i am adamantly opposed to people eating fish for lunch at work, and i just ate some. it was damn good. but now i'm "that" girl, whose cube smells like fish. gross. at least hundreds of people are sharing in my shame, as i got it from the long-lined cafe station downstairs...

on another note, what would be a good, strong verb for the phrase "adamantly opposed"? using adverbs is almost as bad as eating fish at work (i said almost!).

always learning

thanks to a colleague asking me a question about doing an access query to get rid of duplicate records, i have learned 2 new-ish tricks. well, okay. only one. but i figured out a new use for a pivot table (PIVOT!) and that counts as a trick in my book. suffice it to say, i'm still and even-more smarter than JMM.

after searching for "unique" query access, and seeing the instructions were 1000 pages long, i quickly decided this must be doable in excel. guess what? i was right. you can delete duplicate records in excel much faster. and--since his original records are in excel to begin with, who needs access???

trick #1 - select all the columns and rows in your data range, go to your data menu and use the Advanced Filter to only copy Unique Records (shows up as a checkbox on the Advanced Filter window). now, these instructions are easily downloadable from many excel-help websites and i read them over and over again...apparently, i am the only geeky excel user who DIDN'T know how to do this. (but, then again, i have never had a reason to do this). however...i kept doing them over and over and wasn't getting any results so i started to think that a) they didn't work (because, of course, i'm Not Stupid) and b) anyone who read the instructions and thought they worked was stupid. well, i was wrong on both counts. the reason it wasn't working for me is because you have to have an exact duplicate, like the entire row has to match another entire row. whereas, my data was only duplicated in specific columns, namely the first 3. so...to make a long point even more boring, what i did was shortened my data range--you have to do this manually because even if you only select a few columns in your data range, excel changes it to all the columns because excel thinks i'm stupid, too--and THEN used the advanced filter to get rid of duplicates. this gave me a count of the rows in which there were duplicates in the first 3 columns.

okay, trick #2. create a pivot table with only the columns you need, like Member #, Date, & Diagnosis Code and change your sum function to a count function; that requires excel to group any duplicate member #s and give you a count of how many dates and diagnosis they have. you can easily "count" the number of members by seeing how many rows it takes up on your new pivot-table-tab. this is actually much quicker (i think) and a lot more fun!! i love pivot tables!!! i want to be buried with a pivot table. is that possible???

sweaty pits and i can't even drink about it

you know it's gonna be a bad day when you get to work, walk up the 5 flights of stairs that still aren't getting any easier, and realize you forgot to put on deodorant this morning. unfortunately, the only kind i have at my desk is the "natural" deodorant, which i should have just thrown away when i realized it didn't work...

if that isn't bad enough, i recently discovered that my work has a "no tolerance" policy for alcohol on the premises. great! what am i going to do with the flask and mini martini shaker i've been keeping at my desk???

not quite a tempered radical, but close.

despite the signs posted everywhere saying you can't leave your food in the microwave and then walk away to do something else, i just put my food in the microwave, walked away and went to the bathroom, then walked back and it was still there and nothing had blown up. i feel very "i've been her long enough to disregard that rule" right now.

and, yes, i'm eating at 11 AM. i can't help it. i'm starving.

new and improved

i like how my work addressed the problem of only having one bathroom for every 1500* or so people by painting the front doors a nice shade of olive green. it's like a home improvement bandaid: "there, there, that's better."











*this is not a scientific statistic. i have no idea how many people work in this building, or, even on my floor.

settling in

i figure you're settling in nicely at work when someone who's going on vacation asks you to take care of their plants while they're gone. either that, or, you're seen as that weird girl who sits in the corner and doesn't talk to anyone which means--naturally--you're good at taking care of plants...

the logic behind graphing

since a large part of my job has to do with the presentation of data (i.e. making boring stuff look pretty), i'm always searching for new ways to make my powerpoints look more spiffy. i like the look and feel of graphs because A) they take a lot of data and compress it into a very small setting and B) they incorporate COLOR (even if it's just the random colors excel chooses for me...). i'm pretty good at determining whether a graph looks good after the fact, just like i can tell you if a sentence is correct after you've written it or paint colors go together well after they're up on the wall. but unlike these 2 comparisons, i really never had an idea why a certain graph would look better than others. i kind of just close my eyes and click on one...

until TODAY, that is. i decided to do some research on why certain graphs are better than others and came across this tutorial. i think it's for high schoolers, or maybe even kids in junior high. but i found its very basic instructions refreshing and easy to grasp. i also feel like i've probably learned this before at some point in my life. oh, well! it's never too late to learn it again!

lackluster

why am i not motivated to do my work today????????????? I SUCK.

becoming even more excel-proficient (read: geeky)

have i mentioned that i love excel???? well, i do. that is aside, but i thought i'd just say it.

i spent some time today learning keyboard shortcuts for excel tasks i do all the time. i figure since my job entails me using excel about 90% of the time, these are worth knowing. also, my keyboard & mouse setup is not all that great, so using a mouse is annoying. but i have always hated using a mouse.

here are some of my faves:

shift+space: highlight entire row
alt + = : autosum function
ctrl + +: enter a new row

supposedly, ctrl+alt+V will open your paste special menu box. however, you then have to revert to the old keyboard trick of Alt + the applicable underlined letter, use your arrow keys, or transfer back to the mouse...so, still not the greatest shortcut key. anyway, i have a pretty custom menu bar for my paste special tasks. yes, i have to use the mouse...but customized menus are worth the pain!

i guess i will never know as much about excel as some of the bigger geeks out there; but, i can keep learning!

Ye Old Pivot Table vs. Crosstab Query

*Warning* This is a very geeky blog entry...!

subtitled: Who needs Excel anyway?

Today, I discovered the Crosstab query in Access. (I also discovered the Make Table query, but that discussion is for another time & place!) How did I discover this, you might ask... Well, it's all due to the fact that Excel will only let you import 65K records, because that's the maximum lines in a spreadsheet. Now, there are tons of "workarounds" on the web, if you're a programmer, data nerd, or techy geek (or all of the above)...but I'm just a wee little data enthusiast, definitely NOT tech savvy enough to read the numerous workarounds posted for this problem. In fact, I can't even read the questions posted regarding this problem, because they too include one of these scary "languages" called Code.

Anyway, instead of throwing my hands up in the air--which, really, I should've done given the amount of sleep I got last night--I began to think...think...think...think... You know, like Winnie-the Pooh does when encountered with a problem. I thought, there must be a way to do this in Access. (And by this, I mean a "pivot table" because that was my ultimate reason for wanting the 65,000+ records in Excel in the first place.) Guess what?? THERE IS!

Yes! I hearken back to the Access class where my teacher was like, basically anything you find yourself doing with data in Excel on a daily basis, you should be doing in Access instead. I LOVE HER FOR SAYING THAT. On the surface, Access does present intself as hard-to-understand and it's not really all that user intuitive. But, let me tell you...it is a lot easier to do difficult stuff in, as long as you're able to find a tutorial that you can understand. I mean, most of what I learned in Excel, I learned on the fly. Or, someone showed me once and I "got it." But for Access, the classes definitely help; the books help; the online tutorials help; even Microsoft's help center helps. In other words, you will need help if you are going to use this program.

Hey--that's probably the main reason why laymen AND tech savvy peeps neither one like it: they don't want to admit they need help! But me? No problemo. I love learning stuff, which--they have told me--usually involves trusting other people to teach it to you. (At first glance, it would seem this is incongruent with my stubborn, know-it-all personality. Au Contraire... Because once I have learned something, I can then pass it off as something I have known all along...)

Anyway.

What is the moral of this story? Let me recap for you:

• Excel has a silly limitation of 65,000 records in a spreadsheet and no inherent workaround when importing data that exceeds that limitation
• Access doesn't need your stinkin' Excel spreadsheet anyway...
• I still like Excel for formatting and makin' her pretty.
• ...but TODAY, my heart belongs to Access. LOVES.
  

this is how cool my job is

it allows for time (in fact, requires it!) for me to learn new things about my favorite program: EXCEL. (yes, i'm a microsoft whore, too...)

here is what i learned today: the formula to calculate someone's age when you have their date of birth.

=INT((TODAY()-A1)/365.25)
(taken from http://www.fontstuff.com/excel/exltut01.htm)


i tested it out and it works! i'm 31!

the admins are moving today!

yay! peace and quiet, finally...!

excel heaven

basically, my new job consists of taking someone's very boring looking & overwhelming-in-capacity data, scaling it down, making it look pretty and making it make sense. of course, it doesn't make sense to me--which is the very beauty in what i'm now doing. do i care how many members were added to such and such medical group? NO. but i do care that someone else can easily access this number on a simplified and beautified spreadsheet.

yes, my friends. THIS is heaven. w-e-l-c-o-m-e.

change is good (an update on my life)

After six long [but mostly good] years at Planned Parenthood, I have finally moved on! I'm happy to let you all know that I have accepted an analyst position in the Medicare Dept. at Tufts Health Plan. In fact, I started this week. Though the change was a difficult one, I'm very excited to be moving my career in this direction. In my new position, I expect to be challenged but not overworked. I also plan on sleeping at night and having fun outside of work. Who knew life could be this good?

For those of you who don't know, Tufts Health Plan is the 3rd largest insurer in Massachusetts and has consistently been ranked high for their customer service. They have also been a part of the innovative health care solutions for our state by offering a low-cost insurance plan to eligible uninsured persons. (No Michael Moore/Sicko-type operations, here...). The department I'll be working in is small, focused and dedicated to assisting the elderly population of Massachusetts in getting the best health care possible. Best of all, I'm once again reunited with the only manager I've enjoyed working with and for--Melissa! :)

What about that beautiful baby boy, you ask??? Well, he is still lucky enough to be spending every day with his Papi. No doubt, in a few short months, he will be an expert at golf, baseball, sports statistics and uber-friendly bartending. Well, maybe not the last part... Now that I have regained my equilibrium, I'll be barraging you with pictures of him at least every other day, as well as posting his genius antics to my [other] blog on a much more frequent basis (see link below).

For those of you I haven't been in touch with for a while, thanks for your patience and friendship. I believe that everything happens for a reason; but (to quote myself): Even when change is welcomed, it isn't easy.