just hit my breaking point...

more later. (if i survive)

Organization is Key

...but so is my sanity. I just can't be one of those people that has everything they're working on out on their desk. That many piles of paper would--literally--drive me insane. However, I'm printing so much more these days--because I also cannot stand having emails in my inbox. So...I devised a new system (kind of). The system is put everything in a folder and put the folder in a stand-up-thingie on my desk, where I can see it but not where anyone else can. That way I always know how much I have "to do" and "to follow up on" without it glaring at me. Besides, the more pink there is, the better. Even though the more pink folders I have, the more work I have, it still somehow makes me feel better. Go figure...

love/work life

My very first therapist gave me two vital pieces of advice, the first of which has little to do with my job--except that when she told me to stop feeling guilty about having "casual" sex, it must have done something for my confidence (which, in turn, must have done something for me getting & keeping a job, much less getting a promotion...).

However, the 2nd gem she gave to me was that I would never be happy until I was successful in both Love and Work. At the time, it didn't mean much to me. I was more interested in sex and getting a paycheck than finding my true calling in either dimension. But since that time, I feel like I've really focused on finding my "True Love" (even if that's not what I call it most of the time) and I've been not so focused (read: ignoring) on anything resembling a career. In fact, I've wishy-washied over the question of even having a career at all...

Well, guess what folks. Life has done it again. All this time I've put into being happy in love and now I've got a damn good job to show for it. Conversely, I still spend most nights alone. Worse, I foresee myself spending most nights alone until...well...I foresee that as far as I can foresee.

I'm not exactly sure what to make of that. If I'm adhering to the therapist's logic, I still can't be satisfied. My only hope is that if I start focusing on my brand-new career (check!) than maybe I'll meet a grand [& new] guy. (Unless, of course: I already missed him. Then, I'm fucked!)

NWR: I miss Vodka (and the old P.A.M.)

Hung out with the "old" P.A.M. last night (PERN 4-Evuh). Due to events out of our control--EK on vacation; JKid puking his guts up--we actually spent an old-school night on Harvard Ave. smoking, vodka-ing, gossiping and, yes, solving the world's problems. Okay, I guess we don't even solve anything, but it feels that way when we're together.

I don't know if I've told y'all this...but, I owe my life to this gal. She's more than just a best friend/mentor/really great ex-boss. I owe my life to her. 4 Realz. To quote myself: Anyone who gets lee lee to not only enjoy working a 9-5 job, but also seek advancement/sign-life-away-ment in said job is a straight Miracle Worker. But that's not how she saved my life. Those details I won't go into. At least not now.

I know there is a lot of $hit going on right now in her life. I [still] feel incompetent at "being there" for her the way she always is for me. Let's face it; I'm just not as smaht. I guess I'm lucky that friendship isn't just about recripocation. Still, I can try to give her some damn good nights o' listening. And keep buying the vodka.

...and...Exhaustion sets in

It's a little after 4 PM on my 4th day as the P.A.M. and I can barely keep my eyes open. Unfortunately, my first day in this new position was also the first day of all-week-long training for another project I began in my last position AND the beginning of weekly readings at my alma mater, Lesley College, which I really like to attend now that I'm no longer in school there AND the return of our lovely-yet-time-intensive friend, Dez Montero AND I still have to do everything I did in my old job until I hire someone to replace me. Oh--did I mention I'm now carpooling with PK, who goes to work at the buttcrack of dawn? So, yeah, I'm pretty much pooped.

(I haven't even seen J-Kid this week!!!)

Drinking 6-packs at night after doing a couple shots is probably going to have to go. Unless I can manage to do that before 9 PM and go to bed a little earlier. Alternatively, I could stop showering and wake up later in the mornings. Oh wait--I already don't shower!! Damn it!!

Accomplishments So Far:

• Staying Alive
• Surviving Training w/ Grandma and Grandpa Elkin
• Depleting Starbucks Gift Card
• Not quitting the 2nd Day
• Haven't smoked while at work (!)
• Sent my first e-mail to "Leadership Team" and didn't get canned
• Figured out how to adjust the height on my chair.
  
• Snagged a free box of computer paper from WB Mason by making a big stink about it arriving late
  

Coulda Done Better At:

• Blue Cross charge entry (e.g. the bane of my existence)
• Acting professional at work
• Scaling large buildings and saving the world
• Pharmacare sucks my ass!
• Masking my intense displeasure at the health centers' apathy towards my pharmacy billing project
• Convincing the health centers' of the importance of my pharmacy billing project
  
• Not drinking 6+ cans of diet coke a day
  
• Getting a damn signature log approved and ordered...my apologies...I am not a superhero, after all