and i'm trying; really i am. but i've come to my breaking point (hey--i didn't know i had one of those!! ha ha ha ha!). i'm weary. i can't remember why it was i took this job. i'm certain it wasn't for the title or the raise--there was some thought/discussion about me being on a career track, learning, growing professionally, this leading me in the direction of my ultimate long-term goal, blah, blah, blah...
which of those "reasons" is supposed to get me out of bed in the morning?
the trying part of managing staff is that it takes managing. it's not something you can put off until you feel like doing it, or save up for a rainy day. i have to be here, in the flesh, working every day, just so they will have a manager. that's a grotesque responsibility; even parents take a day or two off (okay...maybe more like one night, or 30 minutes to nap). i remember when i was a nanny, i looked forward to the part of the day when the boys were FINALLY asleep (sign: i should not be a nanny!), but that moment doesn't come in the middle management world. your staff always needs you, even if it's just for moral support, to know that you--like them--are working too.
the problem is: i think i'm better at being responsible to myself than i am to other people. that's why i'm such a good worker bee. i was born and bred on protestant work ethicism, and doing a good "job" at work gives me great satisfaction. somehow, that doesn't translate to being a good manager for my staff. maybe i need to figure out a different way to frame it. after all, i'm big on mutual respect & loyalty in other sorts of relationships. shouldn't that also apply in the daily grind?
but then...perhaps i'm just freaking out because of the bambino inside me. if i'm lucky, the two roles won't be as similar as i imagine them to be.
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