my working life

school's out for summer...

2009-05-15T10:03:00.003-04:00

i don't mind not having a job for the summer, but doesn't that mean i should do something with my time...?

like...

write...?

word

2009-05-15T10:02:00.000-04:00

one of my students' vocabulary words is the word of the day!

grammar mistakes are everywhere!!!

2009-02-18T16:47:00.000-05:00

what's wrong with this sentence??? ...anyone???

While there is no length requirement for individual stories but writers are requested to keep in mind that the anthology will run about 220 pages and will include a minimum of 12 stories.

and this is from a PUBLISHING WEBSITE! yikes!

Can't Sleep

2008-12-19T03:16:00.000-05:00

I have so many new/good ideas for my next round of Freshman Comp I classes that I can't sleep. Or, I can't sleep, so I keep thinking of new/good ideas for my next round of Freshman Comp I classes. I'm not sure which it is. Right now, the two are inextricably linked in my 3 AM brain.

The scary thing is--for future nights when I can't sleep, anyway--that I'm realizing this is the part of teaching that I like: the planning. A semester of teaching English is like a 15-week party, in which I get to plan all the icebreakers and themed activities I can stand. And, trust me, I can stand a lot more literary-themed class activities than the next guy. I assume this proclivity will only increase with the more English knowledge I gain.

Let me not rush through that fact; I have learned a helluva lot of English knowledge over the last semester--truly more than I thought I would. This tells me a couple things: 1) I can retain more knowledge than I thought, as long as I'm using that knowledge practically (e.g. I'm a kinesthetic learner?) and 2) ...Well, I've forgotten the second thing now that I spent time researching the actual definition of kinesthetic. See--no short-term memory without doing something related to it!

Seriously, though, I increased my knowledge of grammar and essay writing and ways of reading and ways of studying and ways of passing a class [that don't necessarily involve bullshitting] by 100% and then some. I also can no longer read any book, magazine or newspaper; I find too many grammatical errors to enjoy what's being said. :(

Top 5 Things I've Learned During This Initiation Rite, I Mean, Semester:

Subordinate Clauses! OMG, like, these are my fave. I love subordinate clauses because they're something we already use. So, the only true teaching involved is where to use the comma (only if the sub. conjunction comes at the beginning of the sentence). Of course, there is the risk that pointing out to students that they're using such an English-y convention will result in the direct disappearance of all things subordinate-clause-like in their work. Indeed, this will happen, which is the very reason to point it out! (see my job security reference below...)
Coordinating Conjunctions. The reason I love these is because--unlike the rest of the postmodern world--in English Essay Land, we still get to insist on using coordinating conjunctions for their intended purpose: to COORDINATE. I probably shouldn't say it out loud, but there is a sense of smug satisfaction everytime I get to write the comment, "Don't start a sentence with a coordinating conjunction!" If this sounds like a power trip to you, that's because it is. Yes, it's true; Knowledge = Power, or, at least, it is in this instance. (insert evil laugh...)
Transitions. Wow. Writing an essay without transitions is like attending school without going to class, a sure way to bring about disaster. Coincidentally, now that I'm a Teacher, I recommend two things: go to class and use transitions in your essay-writing. For example, how much better would my college writing have been if I had learned how to use transitions to signal to my reader what the hell was going on inside of my head. Just ask my professors; they'll tell you. Transitions would've helped me a lot!
Logic. This, the most scary of words, has now become one of my most relied on, most repeated, most revered words. I always thought logic was completely scientific, mathematical, and pragmatic, and, therefore, in no way connected to my happily subjective life. Wrong. This is how I explain logic to my students: Logic turns the big, scary process of writing an essay paper, not having a clue if you did it right, turning it in anyway, and then wondering what the hell your teacher's going to say about it into a very simple, almost methodical, process: Write an Outline. Make sure your essay follows an acceptable form of logic. Write an essay. Breathe easily from here on out. Okay, so I just made that up. But I think it's good and I'm going to tell my students that next semester. See? Great ideas just keep coming.
The Outline is God. (See Above.) It's true, totally true. I believe in outlines so much, I think I'm going to start writing them for everything. Have to go to the store? I'll outline 3 steps that, if followed logically, will get me there and tack on a intro./concl. just for the hell of it. Have to plan for my upcoming trip to Jamaica? Same thing. Have to prepare for a semester of teaching?...Oh. Wait, I think I already do this; only, most people call it [over]PLANNING.

By the way, the #1 grammar crime in these supposed "best-selling" novels my bookclub keeps tricking me into reading, surprisingly, is mistaking an adjective clause (usually begins with one of the 5 w's) for a sentence. I hardly ever see this in student writing, so I've concluded it's something you learn in editing school. Maybe it's a job-security thing: Anytime you see an adjective clause being used correctly, edit it into a sentence and a fragment. That way, writers will continue to be viewed as unintelligent and we'll continue to be needed!

As editing with students goes though, the more you know the harder your life really is. It's one thing for me to read a shitty book and--in place of actually reading it--edit/revise all the ways in which the author (editor?) could've actually written something worth spending my time on, but you really can't have that frame of mind when sitting down to read 40+ papers the night before they're due. You. Will. Kill. Your. Self. Or, you will want to, and may even try to through large amounts of alcohol.

Oops. I've just revealed the thing I didn't tackle this past semester: Procrastination...oh, and the Desire for Perfection. So, two things I still need to learn. I'm sure I can pick those up in no time. Then, I can be this guy.

i need $

2008-10-27T21:41:00.000-04:00

when feeling that wash of relief upon finding out the per-class pay at massasoit, i failed to remember that said pay amount is only really for half the year (3 classes, 2 semesters = 6 months of pay). ouch... i'm feeling poor again...

stuck

2008-08-22T13:45:00.000-04:00

is it a bad sign that whenever someone asks me what my "dream" job would be, i have no answer?? i'm thinking it is. my therapist is hoping that like "becoming a mom" and "falling in love with mark," that my "finding a job" will just Happen and that'll be that. i'm skeptical that this is the way things are in the professionally employed world, but i certainly would like to be one of the few whose career is Just Right for them. i just can't wrap my head around the idea of going to work and NOT loving it, the way i love being with henri or mark or both. which doesn't mean it will be perfect... on the contrary, it will be challenging and sometimes exhausting, but, also, rewarding, satisfying, intriguing, and--most of all--fun. it will be another reason for me to get out of bed. it will be. well. i don't know what it will be, really. because i don't know what i want to "be." help! someone out there made it possible for me to get pregnant and meet mark, despite all of my hard work to keep either of those things from happening (!)...where are you now, oh spirit of happiness? doesn't being a headhunter fall into your job description, too???

so far, so NOT good...

2008-07-15T13:24:00.000-04:00

so, my first day of "not working full time" didn't go exactly as planned... i spent most of the morning lost in the hills of milton. i had no idea milton was that big... and i'm very mad at google maps for Screwing Me Royally in their directions. as i was leaving, i noticed a MUCH quicker way to get back to the highway (one turn instead of 500) and i still wonder why google maps didn't just bring me in that way. i can only assume it's because i would've had to stay on I-95 a little longer (2 exits further down) but TRUST ME, i really don't mind, if it means avoiding driving in the country for 30-45 minutes, where street signs have been replaced by forestry. while it was good to see more of milton and confirm my desire to live there one day, i ended up being like 15 minutes late for my first "consulting" appointment. OOPS.

after leaving there, i drove straight to my next destination in quincy. i had plenty of time, so i decided to wonder towards braintree, where i thought there might be shops or a store or kiosk or SOMETHING where i could buy clothes since i was so late leaving for my prior appointment (which was casual) that i didn't think to wear something appropriate for my 2nd appointment (which was an interview). ANYWAY, i also thought they might have a GAS STATION in braintree...but i ran out of gas before finding one. luckily (?), it turns out i was only about 5 blocks from a station where they sold me a $4 gas can and $6 worth of gas that i then sloshed all over myself on the way back. so, with my car barely full enough to now make it to the appointment i was early for, i hurried to my interview (inappropriately dressed, unshowered and now sweating profusely and smelling like gas). i did actually stop at dunkin donuts on the way to "clean up," but they were out of soap. Nice.

amazingly, both appointments turned out fine. and i made it home in one piece, after getting more gas, of course. at which point, i showered.

happy letter

2008-07-10T13:34:00.000-04:00

i just discovered this poem by Emily Dickinson (my FAVE!). i like the phrase "happy letter"and i also like the sentiment in the poem, of how the letter itself was begging to be finished, but the writer of the letter wasn't quite ready to let go. i also-also like that it's in the section of her poems called "LOVE."

...possible name for my bidness? Happy Letters: Write. Edit. Share.

“GOING to him! Happy letter! Tell him—
Tell him the page I did n’t write;
Tell him I only said the syntax,
And left the verb and the pronoun out.
Tell him just how the fingers hurried, 5
Then how they waded, slow, slow, slow;
And then you wished you had eyes in your pages,
So you could see what moved them so.

“Tell him it was n’t a practised writer,
You guessed, from the way the sentence toiled; 10
You could hear the bodice tug, behind you,
As if it held but the might of a child;
You almost pitied it, you, it worked so.
Tell him—No, you may quibble there,
For it would split his heart to know it, 15
And then you and I were silenter.

“Tell him night finished before we finished,
And the old clock kept neighing ‘day!’
And you got sleepy and begged to be ended—
What could it hinder so, to say? 20
Tell him just how she sealed you, cautious,
But if he ask where you are hid
Until to-morrow,—happy letter!
Gesture, coquette, and shake your head!”

Emily Dickinson (1830–86). Complete Poems. 1924.

Part Three: Love

XXIII

brainstorming

2008-07-08T10:04:00.001-04:00

i still can't come up with a business name, but i agree with my marketing-guru friend that it makes sense to focus on one line of business, and that writing/editing should be that line, given my credentials. i keep thinking:

write. edit. share.

but i need a name to go with it...

today tomorrow the next day

2008-07-03T10:28:00.001-04:00

i bought this calendar to organize my life and now everything is going to be perfect. yay! ain't it purdy?

ideas focused, design challenged

2008-07-01T14:54:00.001-04:00

don't the two go together??

for years, i've spent my time bemoaning those big-picture bigwigs who sit around and, well, think about the big picture. meaning, they would come up with grandiose ideas that us little people had to design, implement and manage. but, really, i loved being a little person, because my strengths really were in the implementation of it all.

weren't they???

now, as i begin to market my own talents (read: myself), i have to think WAY BIG PICTURE but also think of every very small, tiny detail in order to have all the bases covered. the ideas are flowing like river water, but i can't seem to manage the needed small details: a business card, flyers, a website, how i'm going to make money. you know...the "small" stuff.

the fact of the matter is, i'm good at carrying out other people's ideas (as long as i [mostly] believe in them) and i'm good at coming up with my own ideas but never bringing them to fruition. uh-oh. trouble in not-working-full-time paradise...

this weeek on lee lee TV: can she suck it up and learn to work for herself? or will she fail miserably and be back in a cubicle, dreaming of being her own boss? cue music. fade out.

covering for my cover letter

2008-06-27T12:51:00.000-04:00

My first true exposure to the philosophy of teaching was in a graduate seminar at Simmons College. Within the safe boundaries of that classroom, the other students and I were able to dream up writing exercises, practice critiquing student assignments and philosophize about teaching, education and the world. There was very little admonishment, no matter how far-fetched the idea.

Since taking that course in 2004, I have had several opportunities to test my altruistic classroom theories against
real-world situations. From teaching literature to English teachers to introducing basic computer skills to adult ESL students, I have learned that it isn’t as much about my intentions as it is my willingness to adapt—both to the specific learning environment and to individual student needs. The goal becomes finding the balance between all of these needs with what needs to be taught.

Still, I believe that class to be a crucial step in my own journey towards teaching. I may have found that some things about the classroom are not permeable, but I have held on to my affinity for finding possibilities within restrictions. Barriers (of any sort) may mean more time spent examining individual lessons or revisiting particular instructions. But what’s so bad about slowing down, if it helps us learn from one another?

I wrote this is a cover letter, but my reviewer (who i agree with) thinks its a little too vague and writerly for anyone other than myself or likeminded english-y people to understand. Like I said, I agree with him. But I don't know what else to write... I don't have a list of "accomplishments" in the classroom to detail for anyone, and--in fact--don't even know For Sure if I want to be in a classroom full time. I'm only trying to do my best to apply for jobs I think I'm capable of doing.

I know the cover letter is only meant to get me the interview, but it's still the first view these people are getting of me AND my writing. I guess that's why I don't want to send a standard "You should hire me because of this..." letter. If it's written well, shouldn't they interview me and then decide I'm actually not qualified...?

typing assessment

2008-06-24T11:28:00.000-04:00

I found this website called TypeOnline.  You can practice basic typing skills or take assessment for typing words, numbers or words & numbers.  My wpm is VERY HIGH, as i knew it would be--104 with only 1 mistake.  However, my wpm when it's just numbers or when it's words and numbers is quite low.  It sucks that they include "symbols" when it's just the numbers test, because I'd like to know how fast I actually type when it's just numbers on the number pad.  I bet it's like 2000 wpm.

more change is a'comin...

2008-06-19T16:54:00.001-04:00

how to feel...
liberated?
relieved?
scared?
regretful?

i don't know. (squeak)

update on the work cafe:

2008-06-12T12:18:00.000-04:00

it's bad enough when i find one hair in my buffalo chicken wrap. but when i find TWO hairs? i wonder if there might be a larger problem...

ugh

2008-06-11T16:00:00.001-04:00

i hate being on the same bathroom schedule as other female co-workers. it's awkward.

i've gone to the left

2008-06-06T11:34:00.000-04:00

because the carpal tunnel has taken over any usefulness that once existed in my right hand, i've moved my computer mouse to the left side of the keyboard. i can't see why they call the left "liberal" because it's actually quite hard to use a mouse left-handed. however, i think i'm getting pretty good at it. it's kind of like going from a mac to a PC or a shifter to an automatic. once you get used to it, it's not so bad... (however, it's MUCH easier than going from non-profit to non-work, i mean the Corporate World).

if my boss ever reads this, she will probably spank me

2008-06-03T09:43:00.000-04:00

but--hey--she is also the same person that once told me "we all do what we have to to survive."

anyway, my new way of getting through the day? ONLINE TV. previously, i've thought to myself: why would anyone watch TV online??? the screen is too small, the quality isn't that good, and if you want to watch TV, you should just buy a damn TV already! but last week, i discovered that watching TV online is, for cubicle-residents such as myself, almost better than discovering the fountain of youth or getting 2 weeks of paid leave for good behavior. *i said ALMOST*

unfortunately, Fox On Demand is really the only player i can get to work with my laptop. in other words, the other networks' players suck my ass. and there are very few shows on Fox that i would be caught watching. House is always a good one, but i'm all caught up on that. and i watched all 8 episodes of Amsterdam which i absolutely love (past lives + detective work = happy lee lee). so, yesterday, i decided to bite the bullet and join NETFLIX (gasp!). why i have resisted this for so long we will never know... it's $7.99 for one movie at a time, but as many as you want a month PLUS free online shows, movies, and other craptastic goodies. i am in heaven, well--at least while i'm at work.

currently, i'm catching up on Weeds, a show i never would've been able to watch since i don't now nor will i ever have Showtime. the show isn't that great. but you know what it IS better than? silence. or even worse, the thoughts in my head. or, the worse-est of them all...my cubicle neighbor's harp music. Go Weeds! Go Online TV!

no agenda needed!

2008-05-14T13:22:00.000-04:00

i was just thinking how i used to have to print out an agenda for meetings with my boss and write down every single thing she said and keep it until i did everything she said and still keep it after that but just file it away in case i ever needed to reference anything she said or had asked me to do and how A) that didn't do me any good anyway when $hit the fan, and B) i'll NEVER have to do that again...as long as i stay at THP with MVP. like the good book says, Count Your Blessings.

life/work balance?

2008-05-12T15:05:00.001-04:00

i wish life were as easy to manipulate as data in excel...

don't like that person's personality? change the color!
want to stop being someone's friend? delete that row!
falling in love? make it BOLD!

but...it ain't. alas.

have i no morals anymore???

2008-05-09T12:59:00.002-04:00

oops. i forgot that i am adamantly opposed to people eating fish for lunch at work, and i just ate some. it was damn good. but now i'm "that" girl, whose cube smells like fish. gross. at least hundreds of people are sharing in my shame, as i got it from the long-lined cafe station downstairs...

on another note, what would be a good, strong verb for the phrase "adamantly opposed"? using adverbs is almost as bad as eating fish at work (i said almost!).

always learning

2008-05-08T15:41:00.000-04:00

thanks to a colleague asking me a question about doing an access query to get rid of duplicate records, i have learned 2 new-ish tricks. well, okay. only one. but i figured out a new use for a pivot table (PIVOT!) and that counts as a trick in my book. suffice it to say, i'm still and even-more smarter than JMM.

after searching for "unique" query access, and seeing the instructions were 1000 pages long, i quickly decided this must be doable in excel. guess what? i was right. you can delete duplicate records in excel much faster. and--since his original records are in excel to begin with, who needs access???

trick #1 - select all the columns and rows in your data range, go to your data menu and use the Advanced Filter to only copy Unique Records (shows up as a checkbox on the Advanced Filter window). now, these instructions are easily downloadable from many excel-help websites and i read them over and over again...apparently, i am the only geeky excel user who DIDN'T know how to do this. (but, then again, i have never had a reason to do this). however...i kept doing them over and over and wasn't getting any results so i started to think that a) they didn't work (because, of course, i'm Not Stupid) and b) anyone who read the instructions and thought they worked was stupid. well, i was wrong on both counts. the reason it wasn't working for me is because you have to have an exact duplicate, like the entire row has to match another entire row. whereas, my data was only duplicated in specific columns, namely the first 3. so...to make a long point even more boring, what i did was shortened my data range--you have to do this manually because even if you only select a few columns in your data range, excel changes it to all the columns because excel thinks i'm stupid, too--and THEN used the advanced filter to get rid of duplicates. this gave me a count of the rows in which there were duplicates in the first 3 columns.

okay, trick #2. create a pivot table with only the columns you need, like Member #, Date, & Diagnosis Code and change your sum function to a count function; that requires excel to group any duplicate member #s and give you a count of how many dates and diagnosis they have. you can easily "count" the number of members by seeing how many rows it takes up on your new pivot-table-tab. this is actually much quicker (i think) and a lot more fun!! i love pivot tables!!! i want to be buried with a pivot table. is that possible???

sweaty pits and i can't even drink about it

2008-05-06T08:32:00.000-04:00

you know it's gonna be a bad day when you get to work, walk up the 5 flights of stairs that still aren't getting any easier, and realize you forgot to put on deodorant this morning. unfortunately, the only kind i have at my desk is the "natural" deodorant, which i should have just thrown away when i realized it didn't work...

if that isn't bad enough, i recently discovered that my work has a "no tolerance" policy for alcohol on the premises. great! what am i going to do with the flask and mini martini shaker i've been keeping at my desk???

not quite a tempered radical, but close.

2008-05-01T11:08:00.000-04:00

despite the signs posted everywhere saying you can't leave your food in the microwave and then walk away to do something else, i just put my food in the microwave, walked away and went to the bathroom, then walked back and it was still there and nothing had blown up. i feel very "i've been her long enough to disregard that rule" right now.

and, yes, i'm eating at 11 AM. i can't help it. i'm starving.

new and improved

2008-04-29T08:54:00.000-04:00

i like how my work addressed the problem of only having one bathroom for every 1500* or so people by painting the front doors a nice shade of olive green. it's like a home improvement bandaid: "there, there, that's better."

*this is not a scientific statistic. i have no idea how many people work in this building, or, even on my floor.

settling in

2008-04-25T10:31:00.001-04:00

i figure you're settling in nicely at work when someone who's going on vacation asks you to take care of their plants while they're gone. either that, or, you're seen as that weird girl who sits in the corner and doesn't talk to anyone which means--naturally--you're good at taking care of plants...

the logic behind graphing

2008-04-17T14:33:00.000-04:00

since a large part of my job has to do with the presentation of data (i.e. making boring stuff look pretty), i'm always searching for new ways to make my powerpoints look more spiffy. i like the look and feel of graphs because A) they take a lot of data and compress it into a very small setting and B) they incorporate COLOR (even if it's just the random colors excel chooses for me...). i'm pretty good at determining whether a graph looks good after the fact, just like i can tell you if a sentence is correct after you've written it or paint colors go together well after they're up on the wall. but unlike these 2 comparisons, i really never had an idea why a certain graph would look better than others. i kind of just close my eyes and click on one...

until TODAY, that is. i decided to do some research on why certain graphs are better than others and came across this tutorial. i think it's for high schoolers, or maybe even kids in junior high. but i found its very basic instructions refreshing and easy to grasp. i also feel like i've probably learned this before at some point in my life. oh, well! it's never too late to learn it again!

lackluster

2008-04-09T15:53:00.000-04:00

why am i not motivated to do my work today????????????? I SUCK.

becoming even more excel-proficient (read: geeky)

2008-04-03T14:59:00.000-04:00

have i mentioned that i love excel???? well, i do. that is aside, but i thought i'd just say it.

i spent some time today learning keyboard shortcuts for excel tasks i do all the time. i figure since my job entails me using excel about 90% of the time, these are worth knowing. also, my keyboard & mouse setup is not all that great, so using a mouse is annoying. but i have always hated using a mouse.

here are some of my faves:

shift+space: highlight entire row
alt + = : autosum function
ctrl + +: enter a new row

supposedly, ctrl+alt+V will open your paste special menu box. however, you then have to revert to the old keyboard trick of Alt + the applicable underlined letter, use your arrow keys, or transfer back to the mouse...so, still not the greatest shortcut key. anyway, i have a pretty custom menu bar for my paste special tasks. yes, i have to use the mouse...but customized menus are worth the pain!

i guess i will never know as much about excel as some of the bigger geeks out there; but, i can keep learning!

Ye Old Pivot Table vs. Crosstab Query

2008-03-25T16:50:00.000-04:00

*Warning* This is a very geeky blog entry...!

subtitled: Who needs Excel anyway?

Today, I discovered the Crosstab query in Access. (I also discovered the Make Table query, but that discussion is for another time & place!) How did I discover this, you might ask... Well, it's all due to the fact that Excel will only let you import 65K records, because that's the maximum lines in a spreadsheet. Now, there are tons of "workarounds" on the web, if you're a programmer, data nerd, or techy geek (or all of the above)...but I'm just a wee little data enthusiast, definitely NOT tech savvy enough to read the numerous workarounds posted for this problem. In fact, I can't even read the questions posted regarding this problem, because they too include one of these scary "languages" called Code.

Anyway, instead of throwing my hands up in the air--which, really, I should've done given the amount of sleep I got last night--I began to think...think...think...think... You know, like Winnie-the Pooh does when encountered with a problem. I thought, there must be a way to do this in Access. (And by this, I mean a "pivot table" because that was my ultimate reason for wanting the 65,000+ records in Excel in the first place.) Guess what?? THERE IS!

Yes! I hearken back to the Access class where my teacher was like, basically anything you find yourself doing with data in Excel on a daily basis, you should be doing in Access instead. I LOVE HER FOR SAYING THAT. On the surface, Access does present intself as hard-to-understand and it's not really all that user intuitive. But, let me tell you...it is a lot easier to do difficult stuff in, as long as you're able to find a tutorial that you can understand. I mean, most of what I learned in Excel, I learned on the fly. Or, someone showed me once and I "got it." But for Access, the classes definitely help; the books help; the online tutorials help; even Microsoft's help center helps. In other words, you will need help if you are going to use this program.

Hey--that's probably the main reason why laymen AND tech savvy peeps neither one like it: they don't want to admit they need help! But me? No problemo. I love learning stuff, which--they have told me--usually involves trusting other people to teach it to you. (At first glance, it would seem this is incongruent with my stubborn, know-it-all personality. Au Contraire... Because once I have learned something, I can then pass it off as something I have known all along...)

Anyway.

What is the moral of this story? Let me recap for you:

Excel has a silly limitation of 65,000 records in a spreadsheet and no inherent workaround when importing data that exceeds that limitation
Access doesn't need your stinkin' Excel spreadsheet anyway...
I still like Excel for formatting and makin' her pretty.
...but TODAY, my heart belongs to Access. LOVES.

this is how cool my job is

2008-03-19T15:19:00.000-04:00

it allows for time (in fact, requires it!) for me to learn new things about my favorite program: EXCEL. (yes, i'm a microsoft whore, too...)

here is what i learned today: the formula to calculate someone's age when you have their date of birth.

=INT((TODAY()-A1)/365.25)
(taken from http://www.fontstuff.com/excel/exltut01.htm)

i tested it out and it works! i'm 31!

the admins are moving today!

2008-03-14T09:32:00.000-04:00

yay! peace and quiet, finally...!

excel heaven

2008-03-12T14:21:00.000-04:00

basically, my new job consists of taking someone's very boring looking & overwhelming-in-capacity data, scaling it down, making it look pretty and making it make sense. of course, it doesn't make sense to me--which is the very beauty in what i'm now doing. do i care how many members were added to such and such medical group? NO. but i do care that someone else can easily access this number on a simplified and beautified spreadsheet.

yes, my friends. THIS is heaven. w-e-l-c-o-m-e.

change is good (an update on my life)

2008-02-22T09:27:00.000-05:00

After six long [but mostly good] years at Planned Parenthood, I have finally moved on! I'm happy to let you all know that I have accepted an analyst position in the Medicare Dept. at Tufts Health Plan. In fact, I started this week. Though the change was a difficult one, I'm very excited to be moving my career in this direction. In my new position, I expect to be challenged but not overworked. I also plan on sleeping at night and having fun outside of work. Who knew life could be this good?

For those of you who don't know, Tufts Health Plan is the 3rd largest insurer in Massachusetts and has consistently been ranked high for their customer service. They have also been a part of the innovative health care solutions for our state by offering a low-cost insurance plan to eligible uninsured persons. (No Michael Moore/Sicko-type operations, here...). The department I'll be working in is small, focused and dedicated to assisting the elderly population of Massachusetts in getting the best health care possible. Best of all, I'm once again reunited with the only manager I've enjoyed working with and for--Melissa! :)

What about that beautiful baby boy, you ask??? Well, he is still lucky enough to be spending every day with his Papi. No doubt, in a few short months, he will be an expert at golf, baseball, sports statistics and uber-friendly bartending. Well, maybe not the last part... Now that I have regained my equilibrium, I'll be barraging you with pictures of him at least every other day, as well as posting his genius antics to my [other] blog on a much more frequent basis (see link below).

For those of you I haven't been in touch with for a while, thanks for your patience and friendship. I believe that everything happens for a reason; but (to quote myself): Even when change is welcomed, it isn't easy.

there's such a thing as LOYALTY

2007-11-07T10:34:00.000-05:00

that's really all i have to say.

mental health day

2007-10-04T10:08:00.000-04:00

my boss in dallas once told me "the day i wake up and don't look forward to going into work is the day i should start looking for another job." not only is that too idealistic for even me--it completely backfired on him, because that day came much sooner for me while working for him than i think he (or i) expected. the reality is, even when you have a job you love, or just a job you know is the *right* job, you sometimes need a break.

thus, the Mental Health Day.

i'm not sure exactly what the mental health day is supposed to give you, other than time to blog about mental health days, but whatever one gains from it seems to work. you take a day off, even though you're "not sick," and, in turn, you get a sense of balance back, maybe even a sense of freedom, and sometimes--if you're really lucky, a sense of power. hey--it's my fucking life. i can take a goddamned day off whenever i goddamned want to. (didn't you know people in power always use too many curse words?)

the reasons for taking a mental health day are as varied as those who take them. i, for one, try not to go to work when the only reason i'd be going to work is to tell them i'm never coming back to work! the point is--you know your own stressors/breaking point and you have the right to take control of your life, when the time is appropriate. sure, we have all agreed to be good little girls and boys and give back to society in this meaningful way. but we can't do that [not really...not in the true spirit of participation] if we're not aware of what we're doing. and we can't be aware if we're too stressed out to think. to quote myself: some days, even a large iced coffee just isn't enough.

is nothing sacred anymore?

2007-09-21T12:17:00.001-04:00

seriously. my job is shitty enough without having to put up with the smell of other people's shit in every bathroom i enter. we have 6 different bathrooms here. 4 are within smelling distance of people's workspace. 2 are out by a hallway/board room that aren't within smelling distance of people's workspace. 1 of those 2 is a private bathroom with no other stalls. WHICH ONE WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MAKE POOPS IN? bzzzzzzzzzzt. wrong answer! it's not bathrooms 1-5; it's bathroom #6! the one that is private and not by anyone's desk, for christ's sake!!

does this take a lot of brains to figure out? or, is it just that a lack of common courtesy is running rampant in our building? either way, it's disgusting. i would give up my paid maternity leave to be able to pee in a bathroom that smelled like apricots or ocean spray or something. ANYTHING other than your shit.

i feel like a prom queen

2007-09-08T14:25:00.000-04:00

yesterday, i left work feeling like i had just been voted prom queen. all i had to do was be honest and direct in a meeting with my peers...apparently, this is a difficult thing, as i was the only person in the room that had the balls to do such a thing. i guess it probably takes a lot of guts to sit up in front of your high school classmates and let them put a crown on your head, then sit there like a dumbass while they celebrate your "goodness" too. of course, i didn't get any great accolades for my courage (except d.glee's "you done a good thing today"...) but i still felt as high as a kite when i left the building. i guess i don't need anyone else to pat me on the back when i'm so easily swept away by my own unparalleled confidence. good job, lee lee.

a little communication can go a long way

2007-08-06T08:09:00.000-04:00

these days, the buzz word at our nonprofit is communication. everyone's talking about it (but no one's doing it...). but, after watching bourne ultimatum last night, i'm left wondering: what is effective communication in the workplace anyway? those who work for the CIA, at least in the movies, don't even flinch before throwing their opinion at their colleague--a form of direct communication i can't ever see being the norm at my place of employment. but it doesn't even matter, because it still didn't get them (the CIA) anywhere. maybe because the loudly voiced opinions were just the cover-up for all the communicating going on behind the curtain...?

in the real world, how are we supposed to communicate with our managers? how are we supposed to communicate as managers? it's not possible that everyone can be open and direct and keep their jobs. there are times when we're supposed to keep our mouths shut... right???

i guess my strategy is two-fold. first, i communicate profusely through email (all the while avoiding, or trying to avoid, getting into email "debates" or awkward, unproductive back-and-forths). for those situations, i try to schedule both time and space so i can give (and get?) direct feedback.

like most things, it looks good on paper. but it doesn't work in real life. i still manage to have ridiculous email conversations that go on for days and could've only lasted 5 minutes had the people involved been in the same room. i still get upset when i receive emails that surprise me or make me feel i'm being taken advantage of. and i still am [occasionally] completely unprepared for what a colleague, staff member or supervisor says to me in a face-to-face meeting.

maybe what actors playing government officials have down is portraying the art of thinking on your feet, rather than the art of communicating effectively. after all, the more you're hiding, the more you have to cover up. but i would still love to work in a business where you are allowed to say/shout whatever's on your mind without any serious repercussion. sometimes you end up looking like an ass, but--hey--so does your colleague who just yelled back. and, sometimes, you might actually say something that makes a difference--even though that doesn't happen in the movies...

Manager Assessment: Poor

2007-07-20T13:26:00.000-04:00

So, yesterday on a long out-of-the-office drive, I was able to assess the number of hours I dedicate to each particular piece of my job. It comes as no surprise that I'm working (or should be working) more than the 35 hours a week [nonprofit] allotment. But what is surprising, as well as something I have to actually do something about, is that the coordinator in my department--who is an hourly employee--has the workload of a i'm-busting-my-ass-to-get-up-the-career-ladder corporate schlep.

Now: we know that A) she is not busting her ass, as there's nowhere for her to move up to unless I were to vacate my position (which she's made fairly clear she's not ready for/interested in); B) she is not lazy, poor at time management or unorganized; and C) she IS an hourly employee working a 35-hour a week job!! May I quote?: Our department does not pay overtime.

I see my options as very limited. I either take away work from her (which I then become responsible for doing myself) or I advocate for her to get PAID for the hours she's working and/or be given a promotion and a RAISE. The latter is difficult because I worked in her position for 2 years and managed the same level of workload without asking for just compensation. I just liked working that hard, okay???? So, the precedent has already been set that the work will be done. Now, if that doesn't prove that the one person you need to watch for in this world is yourself, I don't know what does. As for the former option, that one sucks my ass.

So, yes. I'm giving myself a capital P for poor in this managerial assessment. Mostly for not recognizing that I was being a slave-driver (!!!!!) to my most beloved staffperson; but also preemptively, for not being able to advocate effectively on behalf of my staff. Look, I can't even get my boss to give me a permanent place to sit. What makes you think I'm going to get someone else a raise???

SICKO :(

2007-07-06T08:44:00.000-04:00

well, i saw michael moore's "sicko" last night (the first moore film i have watched, by the way). it definitely made me feel sick! sure, i don't work in the insurance industry, but i certainly work close enough to it to make me feel like a big fat loser after seeing the movie.

the biggest point i thought he made was that america steals everything from other countries, so why don't we just "steal" the idea of universal healthcare and run with it??? as someone who's generally a realist/pessimist anyway, my first response is that it's too late for america. we suck and no one is ever going to fix that. we (the "concerned" citizens) should all throw up our hands and move to canada (or britain, or france...whatever floats your boat). it's the same way i felt after the last presidential election, and the same way i'll probably feel after the next presidential election. america is truly corrupt! a true revolution would need to be started...buy WHY??? there are already other countries that we could just go live in. well, i guess, if you're not a nationalist or something.

when it comes to fight or flight, i'm definitely a flee-er. but even people that really "fight" for democracy or freedom or whatever people fight for these days have to occasionally recognize that they're fighting a losing battle. isn't that what our so-called forefathers did? they left britain because of religious persecution and founded their own country. and--believe me--they were no less persecuted than we are today. we're just more used to it (?) than they were. or we're not as idealistic???

sure, it's not as glorious to "move to canada" as it was to pioneer a new world. but, there's no more world left. we've got to accept the options we have. stay here and be persecuted by the government, insurance companies, the healthcare system, etc. etc. OR move to a better system.

the red sox do play in canada, right?

check the attitude

2007-06-06T08:30:00.000-04:00

i'm stuck in horsham, PA with 3 of my colleagues; and, in order to survive (without going insane), i need to adjust my expectations of the week. i thought i had already done that before coming along, because--honestly/swear to god--i didn't want the week to go badly, for all selfish reasons, of course, like the fact that i'm a part of the week. i certainly don't want to lose my cool and do something to jeapordize my job--i don't even think i have that in me anymore after working in the professional world for 5+ years. but, it wouldn't even be so bad if i could, like, GET ALONG with someone else here...if i could agree with something they say (one thing!)...if i could see their point or see from their point of view. but i caaaaaaaaaaaaan't. (waaah. i want my mommy.) i'm just not a "team player," i guess...

the truth is i wouldn't be a good project manager for this project, because i'm not invested in it. the only way to get out of this alive is to go along with whatever they say, and change stuff when i get back to Boston. i can even change it the politically correct way by sending an e-mail or leaving a voicemail and saying i've re-thought some things since the trip. but, for now: just keep my mouth shut. except when i need to agree. it's a risky strategy, one which would definitely get me thrown off the island or fired by the donald. fortunately for me, this isn't a reality TV show. it's just reality (and no one can kick me off!).

blah

2007-05-31T08:40:00.000-04:00

i don't know how much of this has to do with the evil tumor living inside of me right now, and how much is "authentic," but i'm in one of those slumps where i just don't want to do it anymore. maybe this happens at everyone's job, but my only professional experience is pplm and--at least here--i go through "ups" and "downs." sometimes, i really love my job; i love our mission; i love my co-workers, etc etc. i work hard and know that i'm doing a good job, know that what i'm doing matters and helps people, yada yada yada. but....then, there's the rest of the time. it's such a stressful atmosphere around here (and by around here, i mean inside my brain). i often feel if i could actually care just a little bit less, i'd be way less stressed. i mean, how could a person like me have been born? how could i have been raised this way? didn't my mom try to stamp it out of me just a little bit??? i care about EVERYTHING. it's exhausting... i need to just let people be. what's the big deal if people use the bathroom right next to my cube for their daily BM? it's a bathroom! that's what it's for!! and what's the big deal if anyone hired in any other department is a VIP when it comes to office space while ALL of the managers in our department sit in makeshift almost-but-not-quite-big-enough spaces? we're only a support department!! surely there's not a big deal to be found in the fact that virtually everyone involved in our new practice management implementation knows next to nothing about our current practice management system (rest in peace, med man...) except for ME. you guessed it. i'm the only one that knows, and the only one that cares as much as i care.

i need to call the EAP.

New Priorities

2007-05-01T17:36:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Alexis, I've finally figured out how to prioritize all those "To Do's":

1. If I don't do, I won't get fired.

2. If I don't do, I might get fired.

3. If I don't do, I WILL get fired.

Now all I have to worry about is #3!!! ;)

Full House

2007-04-20T17:36:00.000-04:00

Now that I'm fully staffed (plus one since I have a temp who's helping out for a while), I don't have a place to sit... However, I feel so much relief that all of the work I wasn't doing will now get done. And I can "manage" it, instead of "do" it. Anyway, that's how it's supposed to work. Right?

I still have a lot of training to do for the temp. If I had only focused on that the past few weeks, rather than focusing on staying awake & not throwing up everything I ate, then right now I would be feeling REALLY good. Alas...

Well, no use crying over spewed milk. I have the support staff; now I just need to get them where they need to be. And, oh yeah, I still have a thousand things that should be my top #1 priority. Maybe now I'll have time to actually do some of those things???

the P is for Positivity

2007-03-22T16:19:00.000-04:00

and i'm trying; really i am. but i've come to my breaking point (hey--i didn't know i had one of those!! ha ha ha ha!). i'm weary. i can't remember why it was i took this job. i'm certain it wasn't for the title or the raise--there was some thought/discussion about me being on a career track, learning, growing professionally, this leading me in the direction of my ultimate long-term goal, blah, blah, blah...

which of those "reasons" is supposed to get me out of bed in the morning?

the trying part of managing staff is that it takes managing. it's not something you can put off until you feel like doing it, or save up for a rainy day. i have to be here, in the flesh, working every day, just so they will have a manager. that's a grotesque responsibility; even parents take a day or two off (okay...maybe more like one night, or 30 minutes to nap). i remember when i was a nanny, i looked forward to the part of the day when the boys were FINALLY asleep (sign: i should not be a nanny!), but that moment doesn't come in the middle management world. your staff always needs you, even if it's just for moral support, to know that you--like them--are working too.

the problem is: i think i'm better at being responsible to myself than i am to other people. that's why i'm such a good worker bee. i was born and bred on protestant work ethicism, and doing a good "job" at work gives me great satisfaction. somehow, that doesn't translate to being a good manager for my staff. maybe i need to figure out a different way to frame it. after all, i'm big on mutual respect & loyalty in other sorts of relationships. shouldn't that also apply in the daily grind?

but then...perhaps i'm just freaking out because of the bambino inside me. if i'm lucky, the two roles won't be as similar as i imagine them to be.

Figuring out my Personality Style?

2007-03-16T14:46:00.000-04:00

ESFJ - "Seller". Most sociable of all types. Nurturer of harmony. Outstanding host or hostesses. 12.3% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Lesson Learned

2007-02-21T12:11:00.000-05:00

Don't send an email over phoning someone if you're not 100% sure who they're going to respond to in addition to you!!!

bitches...

welcome to management! here are your staffing issues...

2007-02-16T10:35:00.000-05:00

You don't have to be in middle management long before realizing you're royally screwed when it comes to staffing. Your employees might sympathize that you're understaffed, but they certainly aren't going to volunteer to do the extra work. Your boss doesn't care that you're understaffed b/c their boss doesn't care that they're understaffed (ad infinitum...). And your peers don't have time to care b/c they're worrying about their own staffing issues.

So, who cares?

Well, the old P.A.M. cares. I can tell ya that. As usual, her experience and knowledge both @ Planned Parenthood and just in the "real world" (not to mention all this business mumbo jumbo lingo stuff she's picking up in her MBA program) lend valuable insight and suggestions for Next Steps.

Still, I feel like bitching. Or theoricizing. There should be a combo word for that. Theoritchizing?

Why is it this way? Why don't employees feel obligated to pick up the slack when their co-worker is out? Wouldn't they want someone to do the same thing for them if they were out? Do they really think "managers" have magical powers and can do more than 8 hours of work in only 8 hours? And why is it such a big deal that something isn't in your "job description"? Is this another form of patriarchy that women have unwittingly accepted? Put it on paper or we won't do it...?

I can bitch about these things only because I know them inside out. I have been the employee who told her boss, I won't do anything that's not in my job description because I don't get paid for it. It sounds like solid reasoning, except when you think about the fact that I'M A FUCKING BITCH so why would anyone want to model their being-a-good-employee standards after me???

As for my manager, well...she sucks. I mean, er, uh, she's a great person in dire need of managerial training.

Conflict Resolution?

2007-02-07T18:46:00.000-05:00

It seems in the non-profit management world that everyone wants your buy-in but no one wants your opinion. Also, a committee has to be created for everything, when--in reality--one person is going to make the final decision.

So far, I'm not really combative in meetings, but I'm taking away something other than what other people are taking away...so, then I end up getting in somewhat heated discussions over e-mail. I think this is because e-mail gives me a chance to actually "hear" what the person is saying because I'm reading it, so my response is more thought out. In meetings, I'm just sitting there, like... "ugh...why am I here??? no one cares what i think anyway..." So, the real problem here is that I'm taking away NOTHING from the meetings!?!? oops...

Also, as previously mentioned, having e-mail in my inbox really stresses me out, so I think about it and think about it until I'm ready to respond and then I respond in order to get it out of my inbox. (And, no, I can't just "delete" it or folder it away. I'm too anal for that.)

So, what's a mini-P.A.M. to do? Fester, fester, fester and then rot, rot, rot? Lordie, I hope not. I either have to perk up in these meetings (for lack of a better word) or...well, I have to perk up in these meetings, damn it!

I may get a taste of my own medicine soon, as this week and next are my first "monthly meetings" with my staff members. Hopefully, they don't leave the meeting thinking "Wow, that was a waste of my time" while I leave thinking, "Wow, so-and-so is a really great listener! What a wonderful meeting!"

grrr.

2007-02-05T20:16:00.000-05:00

despite my best intentions to streamline things, the failures in my personal life continue to overshadow any successes at work. sometimes, i regret taking on the added responsibility because now i can't threaten to run away to jamaica whenever i'm feeling overwhelmed!

BUT all in all, i think i'm doing an okay job. i'm looking forward to playing a big role in our conversion to a new practice management system. and new opportunities continue to land on my plate, including collaborating with NOMAS and attending the Health Care For All Planning and Organizing conference in march. why is it so much eaiser to rely on my instincts professionally than it is personally? does that mean i want a successful career more than a successful relationship or family? (geez! i hope not!!)

just hit my breaking point...

2007-01-31T16:55:00.001-05:00

more later. (if i survive)

Organization is Key

2007-01-27T13:31:00.000-05:00

...but so is my sanity. I just can't be one of those people that has everything they're working on out on their desk. That many piles of paper would--literally--drive me insane. However, I'm printing so much more these days--because I also cannot stand having emails in my inbox. So...I devised a new system (kind of). The system is put everything in a folder and put the folder in a stand-up-thingie on my desk, where I can see it but not where anyone else can. That way I always know how much I have "to do" and "to follow up on" without it glaring at me. Besides, the more pink there is, the better. Even though the more pink folders I have, the more work I have, it still somehow makes me feel better. Go figure...

love/work life

2007-01-25T19:48:00.000-05:00

My very first therapist gave me two vital pieces of advice, the first of which has little to do with my job--except that when she told me to stop feeling guilty about having "casual" sex, it must have done something for my confidence (which, in turn, must have done something for me getting & keeping a job, much less getting a promotion...).

However, the 2nd gem she gave to me was that I would never be happy until I was successful in both Love and Work. At the time, it didn't mean much to me. I was more interested in sex and getting a paycheck than finding my true calling in either dimension. But since that time, I feel like I've really focused on finding my "True Love" (even if that's not what I call it most of the time) and I've been not so focused (read: ignoring) on anything resembling a career. In fact, I've wishy-washied over the question of even having a career at all...

Well, guess what folks. Life has done it again. All this time I've put into being happy in love and now I've got a damn good job to show for it. Conversely, I still spend most nights alone. Worse, I foresee myself spending most nights alone until...well...I foresee that as far as I can foresee.

I'm not exactly sure what to make of that. If I'm adhering to the therapist's logic, I still can't be satisfied. My only hope is that if I start focusing on my brand-new career (check!) than maybe I'll meet a grand [& new] guy. (Unless, of course: I already missed him. Then, I'm fucked!)

NWR: I miss Vodka (and the old P.A.M.)

2007-01-18T08:29:00.000-05:00

Hung out with the "old" P.A.M. last night (PERN 4-Evuh). Due to events out of our control--EK on vacation; JKid puking his guts up--we actually spent an old-school night on Harvard Ave. smoking, vodka-ing, gossiping and, yes, solving the world's problems. Okay, I guess we don't even solve anything, but it feels that way when we're together.

I don't know if I've told y'all this...but, I owe my life to this gal. She's more than just a best friend/mentor/really great ex-boss. I owe my life to her. 4 Realz. To quote myself: Anyone who gets lee lee to not only enjoy working a 9-5 job, but also seek advancement/sign-life-away-ment in said job is a straight Miracle Worker. But that's not how she saved my life. Those details I won't go into. At least not now.

I know there is a lot of $hit going on right now in her life. I [still] feel incompetent at "being there" for her the way she always is for me. Let's face it; I'm just not as smaht. I guess I'm lucky that friendship isn't just about recripocation. Still, I can try to give her some damn good nights o' listening. And keep buying the vodka.

...and...Exhaustion sets in

2007-01-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

It's a little after 4 PM on my 4th day as the P.A.M. and I can barely keep my eyes open. Unfortunately, my first day in this new position was also the first day of all-week-long training for another project I began in my last position AND the beginning of weekly readings at my alma mater, Lesley College, which I really like to attend now that I'm no longer in school there AND the return of our lovely-yet-time-intensive friend, Dez Montero AND I still have to do everything I did in my old job until I hire someone to replace me. Oh--did I mention I'm now carpooling with PK, who goes to work at the buttcrack of dawn? So, yeah, I'm pretty much pooped.

(I haven't even seen J-Kid this week!!!)

Drinking 6-packs at night after doing a couple shots is probably going to have to go. Unless I can manage to do that before 9 PM and go to bed a little earlier. Alternatively, I could stop showering and wake up later in the mornings. Oh wait--I already don't shower!! Damn it!!

Accomplishments So Far:

Staying Alive
Surviving Training w/ Grandma and Grandpa Elkin
Depleting Starbucks Gift Card
Not quitting the 2nd Day
Haven't smoked while at work (!)
Sent my first e-mail to "Leadership Team" and didn't get canned
Figured out how to adjust the height on my chair.
Snagged a free box of computer paper from WB Mason by making a big stink about it arriving late

Coulda Done Better At:

Blue Cross charge entry (e.g. the bane of my existence)
Acting professional at work
Scaling large buildings and saving the world
Pharmacare sucks my ass!
Masking my intense displeasure at the health centers' apathy towards my pharmacy billing project
Convincing the health centers' of the importance of my pharmacy billing project
Not drinking 6+ cans of diet coke a day
Getting a damn signature log approved and ordered...my apologies...I am not a superhero, after all